Daily laugh

[FinalEnigma]

Everybody likes to laugh, so I thought I'd amuse myself by starting a thread with the purpose of just posting whatever funny things you come across to brighten others' days just a little bit. So feel free to post away. it can be jokes, pictures, funny stories, anything that makes you laugh.

[McCulloch]

Tripped on these trying to find out where the heck Scouseland is (apparently Liverpool and the surrounding area).

Q: What do you call a scouser in a suit?
A: The defendant.

Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: What should you do if you see a scouse jogging?
A: Trip him up and give the lady's purse back to her.

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a Scouser, and I'm takin' no chances!"

[McCulloch]

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto , can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What did your last slave die from ?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Africa is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Canada is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Austria is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, we don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[FinalEnigma]

Nice ones, McC. I'd be ashamed to be American for some of those questions, but I know that there are dumb people in every country.

The following are actual statements placed on insurance forms where the car's driver attempted to summarize the details of their accident in the fewest words possible.

• Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

• The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.

• I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

• A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.

• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

• The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

• I pulled away from the side of the road, glaced at my mother-in-law, and headed over an embankment.

• In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone poll.

• I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

• I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

• The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

• I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

• As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

• My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

• I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

• I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

• I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front of my car.

[cnorman18]

I am given to understand that this is a true story.

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital.

She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'  
  
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother, in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay. Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
  
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'  
  
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good  news.'
  
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
  
The grandmother said, 'No. I'M Norma Findlay. Nobody tells me s--t.'

[Fallibleone]

Tripped on these trying to find out where the heck Scouseland is (apparently Liverpool and the surrounding area).

I thought I'd made the word 'Scouseland' up, but apparently not. Yes, basically, Liverpool, Liverpudlians being known as Scousers and things from Liverpool being known as Scouse.

Q: What do you call a scouser in a suit?
A: The defendant.

Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: What should you do if you see a scouse jogging?
A: Trip him up and give the lady's purse back to her.

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a Scouser, and I'm takin' no chances!"

Ahhhh. Ahahahaha. Ha. I am a little disappointed though - usually there are more jokes about Liverpudlians' hilarious verbal tics... 'Eh??' for example. And 'all right, all right, calm down, calm down'. I've now lived in two places where people use 'Eh??' excessively - Liverpool is one, and I am guessing that you might know which is the other, McCulloch. Eh?


Scouse keyboard:



Edit: Scousers -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kpVovlK ... re=related

[Nilloc James]

If a tree falls on a mime in a forest does it make a sound?

Why can i build a building but not eat an eating?

[McCulloch]

I've now lived in two places where people use 'Eh??' excessively - Liverpool is one, and I am guessing that you might know which is the other, McCulloch. Eh?

I'll bet it wasn't Calgary. My wife grew up there and claims that they don't say eh. Here in Toronto (pronounced Trawna), we say eh.

[cnorman18]

A few stories from my days as a minister:

In my first church, one of my members, a middle-aged lady, was a very strong believer in predestination. One morning, she fell down her stairs. Fortunately, she was not seriously hurt.

Her son, who was present at the time, later told me that she got up, dusted herself off, and said, "Well, thank God that's over."

Another time, that same church (which was in a rural community) had been in the grip of a terrible drought, which happens in Texas; we had had no rain for some months, and the farmers and ranchers were having a hard time. One Sunday, several of my members asked if we could have a special service to pray for rain. I saw no harm in it, and on the following night, we gathered at the church.

That was when I saw what real, innocently trusting faith looks like.

Several of the old people brought umbrellas.

(Before you ask: yes, it did rain, but not till three or four days later. I make no claims about that - but we thanked God anyway.)

One more:

An elderly lady in that church was diagnosed with glaucoma. That diagnosis led to its being found in two of her adult children in time to prevent problems. But she was losing her sight.

As a gift, I bought her a very large print Bible, I mean with print that one could read across the room. A few months later, when I dropped by to visit her, she said to me (and I remember her exact words):

"Well, preacher, I can't see well enough to read that Bible you gave me any more, and I can't even see well enough to watch TV - but thank God I can still drive."

(Yes, I informed her children. They finally got her to stop driving a few weeks later. As far as I know, she never hit anything that bled.)

[Fallibleone]

I've now lived in two places where people use 'Eh??' excessively - Liverpool is one, and I am guessing that you might know which is the other, McCulloch. Eh?

I'll bet it wasn't Calgary. My wife grew up there and claims that they don't say eh. Here in Toronto (pronounced Trawna), we say eh.

I was born in Oakville.

[McCulloch]

I was born in Oakville.

I was raised in Oshawa. You Ford, me GM.