Atheist Jokes

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dusk
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Atheist Jokes

Post #1

Post by dusk »

I just heard so many great jewish jokes. Jews are just the best in the Joke department.

I was wondering how many good Atheist jokes we can find.

Start with some

What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
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How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
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An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!. � There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you. � So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay . . . . . NOW you’re screwed.
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During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning’s executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholicpriest, and a rationalist skeptic.

The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, “I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me.� The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim’s neck. To which the rabbi said, “I told you so.�
“It’s a miracle!� gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.
Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, “I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need.� The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! …stopping just short of its mark once more.
“Another miracle!� sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.
Now it was the skeptic’s turn. “What final words have you to say?� he was asked. But the skeptic didn’t hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.
“Oh, I see your problem,� the skeptic said pointing. “You’ve got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!�
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An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created. Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him Running faster yet, he looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest. He tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. The atheist cried…�GOD DAMN!…�
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from the sky.
“YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A CHRISTIAN?�
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “Why don’t you try and make the bear a Christian?�
“VERY WELL,� said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. … and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.�
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Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Praying.
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.
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Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
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Q: What happens when an agnostic joins the KKK?
A: He burns question marks in peoples’ front yard.
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no really anti-atheist but still good

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.�

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!� he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?� and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.�
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,� he said, “give him the dog.�
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“15,000 Atheists in London rioted after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist’s desk�


There should be more.

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McCulloch
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Post #2

Post by McCulloch »

How about the Irish one which ends with, "Yes, but are you a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist? "
Examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
First Epistle to the Church of the Thessalonians
The truth will make you free.
Gospel of John

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Jake
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Post #3

Post by Jake »

Catholics are against abortions.
Catholics are against homosexuals.
But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals! -- George Carlin

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Nilloc James
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Post #4

Post by Nilloc James »

Cartoon not joke, still hillarious.

Image

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McCulloch
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Post #5

Post by McCulloch »

Image

Image
Examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
First Epistle to the Church of the Thessalonians
The truth will make you free.
Gospel of John

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Nilloc James
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Post #6

Post by Nilloc James »

McCulloch wrote: Image
Might this be the first example of militant agnosticism. Something I never thought I'd say....

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dusk
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Post #7

Post by dusk »

From olavisjo

A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
the man goes over and says "oh what cute kittens!" the boy replies "yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" the boy replies "yes, they are atheist kittens" the man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" the boy looks at the man and says " yeah but they have their eyes open now"
Wie? ist der Mensch nur ein Fehlgriff Gottes? Oder Gott nur ein Fehlgriff des Menschen?
How is it? Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?

- Friedrich Nietzsche

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LiamOS
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Post #8

Post by LiamOS »

[color=green]Nilloc James[/color] wrote:
Might this be the first example of militant agnosticism. Something I never thought I'd say....
Agreeable as the sentiment is, I think it's more a case of militant Hipsterism. Atheism is just too mainstream now.



For the record, I've been an Ignostic/Agnostic/Apatheist since before it was cool. ;)

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Nilloc James
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Post #9

Post by Nilloc James »

AkiThePirate wrote:
[color=green]Nilloc James[/color] wrote:
Might this be the first example of militant agnosticism. Something I never thought I'd say....
Agreeable as the sentiment is, I think it's more a case of militant Hipsterism. Atheism is just too mainstream now.



For the record, I've been an Ignostic/Agnostic/Apatheist since before it was cool. ;)
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
...
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

P.S. Aki: I find the colourful quotes easy to read and cool looking!

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McCulloch
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Post #10

Post by McCulloch »

Image
Examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
First Epistle to the Church of the Thessalonians
The truth will make you free.
Gospel of John

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