Atheist Jokes

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dusk
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Atheist Jokes

Post #1

Post by dusk »

I just heard so many great jewish jokes. Jews are just the best in the Joke department.

I was wondering how many good Atheist jokes we can find.

Start with some

What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
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How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
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An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!. � There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you. � So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay . . . . . NOW you’re screwed.
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During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning’s executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholicpriest, and a rationalist skeptic.

The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, “I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me.� The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim’s neck. To which the rabbi said, “I told you so.�
“It’s a miracle!� gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.
Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, “I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need.� The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! …stopping just short of its mark once more.
“Another miracle!� sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.
Now it was the skeptic’s turn. “What final words have you to say?� he was asked. But the skeptic didn’t hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.
“Oh, I see your problem,� the skeptic said pointing. “You’ve got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!�
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An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created. Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him Running faster yet, he looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest. He tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. The atheist cried…�GOD DAMN!…�
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from the sky.
“YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A CHRISTIAN?�
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “Why don’t you try and make the bear a Christian?�
“VERY WELL,� said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. … and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.�
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Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Praying.
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.
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Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
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Q: What happens when an agnostic joins the KKK?
A: He burns question marks in peoples’ front yard.
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no really anti-atheist but still good

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.�

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!� he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?� and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.�
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,� he said, “give him the dog.�
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“15,000 Atheists in London rioted after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist’s desk�


There should be more.

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Danmark
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Post #21

Post by Danmark »

Nilloc James wrote: How did the hipster burn his tongue?
...
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I SWEAR that was NOT the funniest joke, but it was the only one that made me laugh out loud. #-o

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Post #22

Post by Nickman »

This may not be atheist specific but it is funny. Jews can be atheists too.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

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Post #23

Post by Danmark »

Here's one I heard from a University religion prof.

I shouldn't try to tell it since it needs gestures, not to mention Italian and Yidish accents, butt, I'm an idiot so:

Setting is the Vatican about 1400. Lots of trouble between Jews and Catholics. Cardinals go to the Pope, asking him to deal with it, even suggesting the Jewish militants be killed.

Pope reassures them. He will talk to the head Rabbi and straighten things out.

Later, the two men of God meet alone.
The Pope says, 'Rabbi, we are both men of God and understand the value of symbols. Let's discuss this without words.' The Rabbi agrees.

The Pope draws a large circle in the air.
The Rabbi points to the center of the circle with his index finger.

The Pope then makes two diagonal gestures from his shoulders to the opposite hip.
The Rabbi responds by gesturing with his first two fingers.

Then the Pope takes out an apple and holds it in his outstretched hand.
The Rabbi takes out a Matzo cracker.

Later the Pope reports to the Cardinals that everything went fine.
We see eye to eye the Pope tells them.
'I told him there was one world, and the Rabbi agreed, saying I, the Holy Father am the center of it.
Then I told him there was an ecclesiastical sword and a secular sword.
The Rabbi agreed and assured me that he understands I hold both.

Then I told him that some people claim the world is round,
but the Rabbi agreed it is flat. We should have no trouble with the Jews' the Pope finished.

At the same time the Rabbi's wife is asking the Rabbi how the meeting went.
The Rabbi said he was not certain, but he described what happened:

'First' he said, 'the Pope told me he had us surrounded. I told him we could still get to him.
He told me they would slash us to pieces. I threatened to poke his eyes out.'

'Mercy!' said the Rabbi's wife. 'What happened next?'
'Eh,' the Rabbi shrugged. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.'

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Post #24

Post by dusk »

Awesome. I like that one.
Especially for Catholics should be in every cath. religion class.
Wie? ist der Mensch nur ein Fehlgriff Gottes? Oder Gott nur ein Fehlgriff des Menschen?
How is it? Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?

- Friedrich Nietzsche

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Post #25

Post by Nickman »

I heard this joke on "I Love the 1880's" the other day and I thought it was funny. It may have been because I had a few beers. It pertained to the Declaration of Independance and how the Founding Fathers drank so much, which was true due to inadequate water at the time. It was much safer to drink beer or other types of alcohol.

"Our Founding Fathers were so drunk they thought that "We the People" made sense"

You may not think it is funny but I had a good chuckle.

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Post #26

Post by Nickman »

The whole video is funny but my favorite part is at about 2:23-2:35. Enjoy a good laugh.

[youtube][/youtube]

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Post #27

Post by dusk »

Shit how does someone this dumb not forget to breath.

And I always wondered if one can actually find the people that show up in dumb semi-scripted TV shows, out in the wild. I guess you can.

Wie? ist der Mensch nur ein Fehlgriff Gottes? Oder Gott nur ein Fehlgriff des Menschen?
How is it? Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?

- Friedrich Nietzsche

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Post #28

Post by Danmark »

dusk wrote: Shit how does someone this dumb not forget to breath.

And I always wondered if one can actually find the people that show up in dumb semi-scripted TV shows, out in the wild. I guess you can.

You mean 'breathe'. I would not say anything, except that when people talk about others as being 'dumb,' they should at least double check their spelling. O:)

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Post #29

Post by dusk »

I blame it on my spell checker and on being German ;)
You should see how my French orthography is. They have all these 'e' and 's' that are never pronounced. That is the great thing about languages with actual grammar like German and Russian. If you write something wrong, it almost always sounds wrong.
Not like adding an 'e' and suddenly almost the entire word up to 'e' is pronounced differently. Just from pronunciation it should be braeth and breath. :p
Wie? ist der Mensch nur ein Fehlgriff Gottes? Oder Gott nur ein Fehlgriff des Menschen?
How is it? Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?

- Friedrich Nietzsche

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Post #30

Post by Nickman »

For those who have never seen Mr. Deity. Priceless material.

[youtube][/youtube]

[youtube][/youtube]

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