Atheist Jokes

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dusk
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Atheist Jokes

Post #1

Post by dusk »

I just heard so many great jewish jokes. Jews are just the best in the Joke department.

I was wondering how many good Atheist jokes we can find.

Start with some

What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
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How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
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An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!. � There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you. � So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay . . . . . NOW you’re screwed.
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During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning’s executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholicpriest, and a rationalist skeptic.

The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, “I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me.� The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim’s neck. To which the rabbi said, “I told you so.�
“It’s a miracle!� gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.
Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, “I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need.� The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! …stopping just short of its mark once more.
“Another miracle!� sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.
Now it was the skeptic’s turn. “What final words have you to say?� he was asked. But the skeptic didn’t hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.
“Oh, I see your problem,� the skeptic said pointing. “You’ve got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!�
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An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created. Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him Running faster yet, he looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest. He tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. The atheist cried…�GOD DAMN!…�
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from the sky.
“YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A CHRISTIAN?�
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “Why don’t you try and make the bear a Christian?�
“VERY WELL,� said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. … and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.�
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Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Praying.
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.
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Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
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Q: What happens when an agnostic joins the KKK?
A: He burns question marks in peoples’ front yard.
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no really anti-atheist but still good

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.�

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!� he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?� and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.�
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,� he said, “give him the dog.�
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“15,000 Atheists in London rioted after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist’s desk�


There should be more.

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Post #31

Post by Nickman »

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Post #32

Post by Danmark »

dusk wrote: I blame it on my spell checker and on being German ;)
You should see how my French orthography is. They have all these 'e' and 's' that are never pronounced. That is the great thing about languages with actual grammar like German and Russian. If you write something wrong, it almost always sounds wrong.
Not like adding an 'e' and suddenly almost the entire word up to 'e' is pronounced differently. Just from pronunciation it should be braeth and breath. :p
I am genuinely embarrassed. :oops: As a typical American who speaks only one language with fluency, I have a very high regard for those of you fluent in several.

I actually failed my 7th grade German class, and my 9th grade Latin. I lived in Japan for two years and . . . .

BTW, today I met a German in a small village in Thailand. His accent was so subtle, I could hardly tell he had one and certainly could not place his country of origin. I told him so. He thanked me and explained his wife is American.

Still, I am more than impressed at how well so many Western Europeans speak English, often with little accent. My hat is off to all who are bilingual and put up with mono linguists like myself. I get by, by making an effort to speak Spanish, or Thai or whatever. The effort is appreciated even if the result is pathetic.

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Post #33

Post by dusk »

Well it isn't really a fair comparison with English.
English is everywhere. I am an IT guy and all the stuff is English anyway. In northern Europe like Sweden and Finnland they are better than in German speaking countries because they hardly dub any original english movies and TV. We have everything dubbed. I hate it because I prefer original voices in the cinema.
I am not actually fluent in French. I learned it for 4 years but I suck at it and never liked it too much. I tried learning some Russian at university. It is fun and more like German with lots and lots of vocabulary that are almost the same once you get past the odd letters. In the past Russia imported lots of German engineers, architects and all sorts so they got a germanization of all kind of cultural and technical words. Kind of like we have today with English in Economics, IT, Pop culture,..

Also I think English is by far the easiest language of all the ones I sort of know. The only difficult thing is vocabulary (because you got so much) but in terms of grammar and a somewhat straight sentence out is easy.

Speaking of pathetic results. Pronouncing german seems to be real hard. Sometimes in movies there are people pretending to speak german and I watch them in original and I cannot understand a word they say and i understand a lot of dialects. It is just so wrong often it is difficult to describe. I need subtitles to understand the German.
It gets real off when that is in a TV series and they don't do that just once. I read up on one and in an interview she said she studied German in college. Somehow nobody in hollywood got around to tell her how bad she is. Probably because she is too pretty.
When asian people try German I can usually understand them it is only thick accent. Americans though :(
Not that there aren't some that aren't real good. I met one who was so good I though he was from Bavaria at first.

If English wasn't everywhere, I guess I wouldn't be bilingual either. I don't even consider myself that because I don't really count English. I consider people bilingual once they can speak Turkish and German or Polish and German. English is the Web language anybody can speak at least somewhat.
I played starcraft 2 lately in a team game. After 15 min into the game we figured out in the chat that every team member could speak German. One from Luxemburg, two Germans and me. We only sort of switched the chat language.
I think what also makes English different from actually having learned a second language like French is that I cannot translate back to German. There is simply no connection in my brain between one vocabulary and its counterpart. I know the meaning in both languages but if my mother asks for a German translation of one word or a phrase or short sentence, I have to think forever or describe what it means until she comes up with the appropriate German word. It is so weird. It sometimes feels like the German part of my brain crashed and I need to wait 5 min until it reboots. If you work as a translator you have to learn the language differently more like I did in school.
Wie? ist der Mensch nur ein Fehlgriff Gottes? Oder Gott nur ein Fehlgriff des Menschen?
How is it? Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?

- Friedrich Nietzsche

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Post #34

Post by Nickman »

I have heard that English is the hardest language over and over. I have been to Italy, Spain, Germany,Holland, Korea, Okinawa, Iraq, Kyrgyzstan, Qatar, and thats it. In all of these places I have met more than a hand full of people that say English is the hardest language. I would have to agree. Italian is so simple and flows so well. Spanish does the same. German im not sure. Dutch not sure. Korean Hangul was easy because I learned the entire alphabet in 3 hours. It only has 11 regular characters and sounds. Japanese was tough. Still dont know but a few phrases. In Iraq I didnt try. Kyrgyzstan spoke Russian which seemed easy and I learned enough to get by. Qatar didnt try. We have so many different meanings in English that it is ridiculous. Double word meanings are prevalent. I think they may be right.

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Post #35

Post by Nickman »

I heard a theist the other day say the following when I ask them them "do you want to hear an atheist joke?"

They said, the only atheist joke I know is the atheists themselves.

I laughed only because of the implication. It was more of a "really" laugh.

Thought I would share. It is clever. Gotta hand it to this guy for his witt.

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Post #36

Post by dusk »

Nickman wrote:I have heard that English is the hardest language over and over. I have been to Italy, Spain, Germany,Holland, Korea, Okinawa, Iraq, Kyrgyzstan, Qatar, and thats it. In all of these places I have met more than a hand full of people that say English is the hardest language. I would have to agree. Italian is so simple and flows so well. Spanish does the same. German im not sure. Dutch not sure. Korean Hangul was easy because I learned the entire alphabet in 3 hours. It only has 11 regular characters and sounds. Japanese was tough. Still dont know but a few phrases. In Iraq I didnt try. Kyrgyzstan spoke Russian which seemed easy and I learned enough to get by. Qatar didnt try. We have so many different meanings in English that it is ridiculous. Double word meanings are prevalent. I think they may be right.
I heard Japanese is really tough so bad they themselves don't properly learn it. Spanish, French and Italian is all the same thing. It is basically just Latin, you know one the rest comes really easy. Italian probably the easiest among the lot but they still got more grammar and more things to do wrong I think. English I think is just fairly simple to get started and only at some point you have to learn all the numberless advanced vocabulary to read NYT articles.
Dutch is just basically German spoken by Brits really really poorly or vice versa. It is really easy to read for a German but impossible to understand in spoken.
I only know Russian is definitely harder than French but French is still a little more difficult than English IMO. Italian maybe easier because its just French without the nonsense. I don't really know anything about middle eastern or african languages.
Double word meanings are in all languages that I know. English just has more words while German and French get more use out of the same words by putting some together. In English one is just more often in the situation, where one just has no clue whatsoever what something means, while in French and German you can infer more easily.
German, Czech and Russian are difficult because getting one straight sentence out is harder. With our cases you can make one sentence and shuffle parts of it around to any random position and it still makes perfect sense and isn't even wrong. But if you get the cases wrong and those aren't easy if you don't grow up with it, one can only guess at what the speaker means to say. In English it is always the same simple order. To go from nil to somewhat intermediate usable is I think quite easy in English. From there to NYT level maybe a different step. I mean being able to form sentences by yourself that is correct not just repeating a phrase like "Je m'appelle Nick".
I personally think there is less words with multiple meanings in English and less nuances which depend on how you say things compared to German. It's just more words in general and if you don't know a word only a dictionary helps.

English is short which is why I like it more than German, French or Russian in technical talk. You just need so many more letters to write the same simple clear tech talk in German. German is good for philosophers who like nuances and detail but for tech it is just annoyingly inefficient.
According to a friend Chinese is also really straightforward and quite easy as a language but I cannot understand, how anybody can read with ease and recognize these hundreds of signs with their fine details.
That friend lives now in Taiwan and is probably already married to his girlfriend form there. Girlfriends help probably.

You get around far. What do you do for a living? Korean I only know some words from Tea Kwon Do. I can count to ten. My two month relationship with a Chinese never really helped my Chinese, most of the signs I forgot again. Except for Russian I don't know much about any non latin language and cyrillic is really almost the same so it doesn't really compare to trying to learn arabic.
My dad knows old greek, latin, learned Hebrew and he also tried arabic over the web. I don't really have the patience or interest for that stuff.

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Wie? ist der Mensch nur ein Fehlgriff Gottes? Oder Gott nur ein Fehlgriff des Menschen?
How is it? Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?

- Friedrich Nietzsche

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Post #37

Post by dusk »

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Wie? ist der Mensch nur ein Fehlgriff Gottes? Oder Gott nur ein Fehlgriff des Menschen?
How is it? Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?

- Friedrich Nietzsche

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Post #38

Post by Goat »

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“What do you think science is? There is nothing magical about science. It is simply a systematic way for carefully and thoroughly observing nature and using consistent logic to evaluate results. So which part of that exactly do you disagree with? Do you disagree with being thorough? Using careful observation? Being systematic? Or using consistent logic?�

Steven Novella

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Post #39

Post by Darias »

[center][youtube][/youtube][/center]

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Post #40

Post by Nickman »

Darias wrote: [center][youtube][/youtube][/center]
Holy crap that is funny

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