Raising Children with and without faith

What would you do if?

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Do you think a marriage between an atheist and a Christian can survive parenthood?

Poll ended at Wed Jun 03, 2009 2:59 am

Yes
1
33%
No
1
33%
Not without one parent allowing the other control
1
33%
 
Total votes: 3

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Bio-logical
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Raising Children with and without faith

Post #1

Post by Bio-logical »

This is a question I have been looking for the right forum to discuss, and I think this may be the right one.

My wife and I have been married just under 2 years and together 8. We have discussed many things and we always try to be open and honest with each other including the topic of religion. In the last 5 years I have gone through a long journey in an attempt to find faith including a study on her college campus and the Roman Catholic RCIA program and ending in me defining myself as an atheist while she remains loyal to the traditions of her past if nothing mare than a Christian leaning deist herself. This has never been a major issue for us since we both accept the other's beliefs and let that be, but we are now approaching the time in our lives when we are hoping to bring a new child into the world, and therein lies the problem.

My wife has a colleague who divorced recently due to this very issue, and she is becoming very scared. As I pursued faith in my life I always told my wife (then girlfriend/fiancee) that I was okay with raising our kids catholic since it meant so much to her, but I am no longer so Laissez-faire about this.

The questions I would like to pose directly, but feel free to chime in on any aspect, are these:

Do you know anybody in this situation?

If so, how did they work it out?

Any suggestions on compromise or parenting tips for children raised in an environment where the parents do not agree on the existence of God?

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justifyothers
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Re: Raising Children with and without faith

Post #11

Post by justifyothers »

Bio-logical wrote:This is a question I have been looking for the right forum to discuss, and I think this may be the right one.

My wife and I have been married just under 2 years and together 8. We have discussed many things and we always try to be open and honest with each other including the topic of religion. In the last 5 years I have gone through a long journey in an attempt to find faith including a study on her college campus and the Roman Catholic RCIA program and ending in me defining myself as an atheist while she remains loyal to the traditions of her past if nothing mare than a Christian leaning deist herself. This has never been a major issue for us since we both accept the other's beliefs and let that be, but we are now approaching the time in our lives when we are hoping to bring a new child into the world, and therein lies the problem.

My wife has a colleague who divorced recently due to this very issue, and she is becoming very scared. As I pursued faith in my life I always told my wife (then girlfriend/fiancee) that I was okay with raising our kids catholic since it meant so much to her, but I am no longer so Laissez-faire about this.

The questions I would like to pose directly, but feel free to chime in on any aspect, are these:

Do you know anybody in this situation?

If so, how did they work it out?

Any suggestions on compromise or parenting tips for children raised in an environment where the parents do not agree on the existence of God?
Wow! What a great show of support - don't think I've ever seen so many in agreement before :-)

I think you have been given some very wise advice here....

One thing I would urge you to do is have a little chat with your wife and make sure you are both aware of any plans you have of teaching them other religious concepts. Make sure everybody's on the same page with that. I agree that this is the best way to actually 'own' your beliefs.

It might make things easier to apply a like theme when discussing the differences in religions. Perhaps explain to your kids that love is the most important thing - no matter what they decide is the right fit for them theologically.

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ChaosBorders
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Post #12

Post by ChaosBorders »

McCulloch wrote:
Bio-logical wrote:My wife was very clear that she wanted to raise our children Catholic and I was okay with that at the time, but now I am not so sure. I would much rather raise our children Atheist or Rationalist-Deist now, but I agreed prior to our wedding that I would raise our kids Catholic. I even went through the RCIA (becoming catholic) program before we got married because I as actively trying to find some sort of faith, but in the end it resulted in me confirming that I cannot bring myself to believe something without evidence.
I think that you are honor bound to the terms of your agreement. You cannot with any integrity, not allow your children to be baptized into the church and taught by their priests. Your best strategy, in my opinion, is to instill in your children a great respect for evidential truth, healthy skepticism, free inquiry and the philosophy of science, in general, not just about religious claims. These will inoculate them against the effects of religious superstition. I am sorry, the American education system will not be much assistance in achieving these goals but the advertising and media do provide a lot of raw material to work with.
I would second this. If it is truly that important to your wife and you agreed to it before getting married, it would be a pretty jerk-ish move to backtrack, and would likely be damaging (and quite possibly fatal) to the marriage. And there seems little reason to do that, since if you properly educate your children in critical thinking they will end up making their own conclusions anyways.
Unless indicated otherwise what I say is opinion. (Kudos to Zzyzx for this signature).

“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.� -Albert Einstein

The most dangerous ideas in a society are not the ones being argued, but the ones that are assumed.
- C.S. Lewis

BwhoUR
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Post #13

Post by BwhoUR »

My vote is that, in a marriage, you must be able to change your mind. As long as you are communicating before the child is born (or hopefully conceived) you can come up with a plan that will work for both of you. Sounds like you guys are already talking, so that's half the battle right there!

One parent doesn't have the monopoly on how to parent. Until you become a parent, you may not know how you feel about something until the issue comes up. You didn't lie to your spouse that you would be okay with bringing up the children christian, you actually thought it would be okay with you until recently.

I never wanted kids but changed my mind and we got married to have kids, and I wanted two. I changed my mind and now I'm happy with one. My husband wanted no children, agreed to marry and have kids with me and now he is happy with one but thinks two would have been great. But it takes two "yes'" around here for the big stuff. Been together 24 years now, since we were 18 & 19 (we are hardly the same people we were at 19, people must be allowed to change as they get older and wiser).

My husband and I have been atheists for a long time, never gave it a second thought until my daughter was in school. Then the issue came up again and again. Was I right to keep her out of church? Do I let her learn about god from tv, friends, grandparents without intervention (or with only dissention) from us?

My husband and I concluded that I would teach her about all the religions and allow her the space to come to her own conclusions, and I'm honest that I don't believe there is enough evidence to prove god exists but I might be wrong, and my husband would stay rigidly against the idea (that's how he really feels anyway). We like being honest with our daughter and err on the that side. We don't feel there is any good payoff for being silent or lying.

Good luck to you.

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