Dwindling love.

[Corvus]

You were once in love with a woman. But that love started to dwindle as more problems gathered in the relationship, even though she worships you. In fact, she worships you too much, and her obsessive adoration is, you feel, dangerous to her psychological health. You want to end this relationship, but you are certain that if you end it, she will suicide.

What do you do?



La Rochefoucauld - "Ah, how hard it is to break with someone we have ceased to love."

[Confused]

I would say you were never in love with her to begin with. There is no such thing as "falling out of love" IMHO. But if you no longer want to be with her, then you should end it. While you could get her into counseling before you ended it, it might prevent an impending suicide, I would say that you are not responsible for others actions. Now there is a limit to that. If you have led this girl on to beleive that you were entering into a long term relationship that may either lead to marriage (ugh) or just a commitment to each other, then you are responsible for your actions and have to bare the brunt of her reactions to your actions. I don't envy your position but have been there. The only difference being I told Chad from the beginning that my concept of love was so utopian he could never stand up to it, so don't try. He chose to tell me a year later how much he was in love with me and if I didn't feel the same we needed to end it. I didnt' feel the same. We ended it. He drove himself off a cliff in Arizona a week later. Three days after that I got a envelope addressed to me from him with nothing in but his dragon pendant. I wear it every day to remind me of the danger of letting someone to close. I share in the guilt even though I gave advanced warnings. Either way, your situation is going to come out bad. But life will go on regardless.

i believe that love is a choice, and based on that premise.. if you stop choosing to love a person in your day-to-day life, your love will dwindle and ultimately die in time. we are, as un-romantic as it sounds, responsible for maintaining the passions and feelings between us.
a 'utopian' love would actually be a shame in my view, as it seems more like a choiceless fantasy, or a 'meeting of fate', rather than an actual decision to stick by one another through thick and thin. my fiance, for example, knows that i will never leave her, because so many times already i've made a choice to stay with her through times when other guys probably would have run scared. is that not the meaning of real love?

I would say that your definition of love works well for you and her. And in a way it is similar to mine. I never said that staying in love wasn't work. But I do beleive that if it is love, then you will work at it and falling out of love will not be possible. You say you will stick it out with her. Great. Where we differ is that I don't believe it is possible for love to dwindle. I beleive that once in it, you can do no other but keep it, regardless of the cost. So maybe mine is Utopian. And maybe I have set myself up for a "choiceless fantasy". I have already admitted that because of my definition, I will likely die alone (that and my son's problems). I can accept that. But I will settle for nothing less. If a man ever actually makes it through the barriers I have constructed, then I know it is real and will never go away. It will be worth the extra work I have to put into it to keep it. But so far, no man has ever come even close. They see a good looking blonde, think she is an air head, think a one night stand would be great, and strike up a conversation. They quickly learn I am anything but an air head, but still think a one nighter is possible. I have never slept with a man I haven't known for at least 6 months. Why, because I am picky about sex. I believe a man should know what to do, I am no teacher. I have found few that pass that first kiss. Most are sloppy, jam tongue down throat and gag me, hurried kisses. Major turn off. So I am content with what I believe and with the knowledge that I will likely never find "Mr. Right". I hope you and your fiance make it. If your love is true, you will.

[methylatedghosts]

I would say you were never in love with her to begin with. There is no such thing as "falling out of love" IMHO.

i believe that love is a choice, and based on that premise.. if you stop choosing to love a person in your day-to-day life, your love will dwindle and ultimately die in time. we are, as un-romantic as it sounds, responsible for maintaining the passions and feelings between us.

Ok, now here's my input, although, not really quite on topic.

Confused says she doesn't think that there is such thing as "falling out of love". My question is, do you believe you can "fall in love"?

I am going to half-agree with pyrite here, in saying that love itself is not a choice, but being open to love someone is. I believe we all have love for one another, but some people hide it more than others. I think we "fall in love" and just as quickly "fall out of love" again. However, I don't think falling in love is true, real love. To me, that is just the chemical occurances in the brain resulting in "rose-tinted glasses". True love can come after that. True love comes about by working through differences, and loving the person for who they are, and in doing so, not ignoring, but working with each persons faults.

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The relationship described in the OP seems a fragile one. One has fallen out, and the rose-tinted glasses have cleared. The other seems to be stubbornly holding the pieces of those glasses together, not really wanting to see the truth. I think the way through this is with a true love, helping her set aside those glasses. If this requires a break-up, then so be it, and that cannot be helped. This may be a learning curve for the both of you.

If you want to read more of what I'm describing, I suggest maybe a look at "The Road Less Travelled" a book describing the psychology of love (for the life of me cannot remember the author - sorry). She may also be a "poor me" described in "The celestine vision" by James Redfield (I think) - which may be a cause for your not being to willing to let go of her - her making you feel guilty, maybe even without you realising.

So there you go. I recommend those two books, and taking her down easy

[Confused]

[

quote="methylatedghosts"]

I would say you were never in love with her to begin with. There is no such thing as "falling out of love" IMHO.

i believe that love is a choice, and based on that premise.. if you stop choosing to love a person in your day-to-day life, your love will dwindle and ultimately die in time. we are, as un-romantic as it sounds, responsible for maintaining the passions and feelings between us.

Ok, now here's my input, although, not really quite on topic.

Confused says she doesn't think that there is such thing as "falling out of love". My question is, do you believe you can "fall in love"?

I am going to half-agree with pyrite here, in saying that love itself is not a choice, but being open to love someone is. I believe we all have love for one another, but some people hide it more than others. I think we "fall in love" and just as quickly "fall out of love" again. However, I don't think falling in love is true, real love. To me, that is just the chemical occurances in the brain resulting in "rose-tinted glasses". True love can come after that. True love comes about by working through differences, and loving the person for who they are, and in doing so, not ignoring, but working with each persons faults.

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No, I don't recognize the term "falling in love". It holds no more meaning for me than supercalifragilethatgetmealladocious. I also think that being open to love isn't a choice. If it is meant to happen, the so be it. But it will have to meet my criteria or it is what you have said: not true love. I don't believe there is anything other than true love. It is a rare event and seldom found in todays society. It was likely seldom found in any of past history. It is an all or nothing thing. It exists from the start and lasts until the end of time. There is no other thing you can do but to love this person. Honestly, it wouldn't be hard to breach my defenses. True love could do it in a second. Consider it the classical Romeo and Juliet without all the drama. To me, if you love someone you know it from the beginning and there is nothing you wouldn't do to keep that love. It is the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing you think of when you fall asleep. Nothing is more important. There is nothing that can't be conquered if true love exists. But like I said, it isn't something that you can control or even choose. It just happens. So yes, it is Utopian as I have already admitted and I have likely set myself up for the impossibility, but I don't want a relationship where getting to happily ever after is better than the happily ever after. If you can walk away from someone you claim to love, regardless of how much it hurts the both of you, then it isn't true love. Not worth much, but thats my two cents.

[methylatedghosts]

I feel that if you cannot let go of someone, you do not love them. If you cannot be independant from those you love, then in my view, you do not love them.

Fear holds close
Love holds dear

[Confused]

I feel that if you cannot let go of someone, you do not love them. If you cannot be independant from those you love, then in my view, you do not love them.

Fear holds close
Love holds dear

I am afraid we will have to agree to disagree on this one. I can't waiver on my concept of love. It is all or nothing. I don't claim you can't be independent for short periods of time such as while at work etc.... But you couldn't live your life without that other person. You may be able to let them go if they don't return your love but you will never love again. Chad (my exboyfreind who killed himself) died to prove to me he loved me. It is a guilt I will live forever with. But can understand to a degree, though why he would pick me of all people to use that word with is beyond me. That is stupidity, not love. But we will never come to a neutral territory on this area. My belief defies logic and is irrational. But it makes sense since I believe that love defies logic and is irrational.

[achilles12604]

You were once in love with a woman. But that love started to dwindle as more problems gathered in the relationship, even though she worships you. In fact, she worships you too much, and her obsessive adoration is, you feel, dangerous to her psychological health. You want to end this relationship, but you are certain that if you end it, she will suicide.

What do you do?



La Rochefoucauld - "Ah, how hard it is to break with someone we have ceased to love."

I was actually in a relationship almost exactly like this. I ran like the wind. Bye-bye. See ya later!

Funny thing . . . she still thinks I'm comming back. Oh well.

[Confused]

You were once in love with a woman. But that love started to dwindle as more problems gathered in the relationship, even though she worships you. In fact, she worships you too much, and her obsessive adoration is, you feel, dangerous to her psychological health. You want to end this relationship, but you are certain that if you end it, she will suicide.

What do you do?



La Rochefoucauld - "Ah, how hard it is to break with someone we have ceased to love."

I was actually in a relationship almost exactly like this. I ran like the wind. Bye-bye. See ya later!

Funny thing . . . she still thinks I'm comming back. Oh well.

Never in a million years would I have expected that response from you. I am rolling over in shock.

[achilles12604]

You were once in love with a woman. But that love started to dwindle as more problems gathered in the relationship, even though she worships you. In fact, she worships you too much, and her obsessive adoration is, you feel, dangerous to her psychological health. You want to end this relationship, but you are certain that if you end it, she will suicide.

What do you do?



La Rochefoucauld - "Ah, how hard it is to break with someone we have ceased to love."

I was actually in a relationship almost exactly like this. I ran like the wind. Bye-bye. See ya later!

Funny thing . . . she still thinks I'm comming back. Oh well.

Never in a million years would I have expected that response from you. I am rolling over in shock.

Yes . . . it is true. I admit it. . .

I am also ................. human.

I too have dated people who after 3 weeks want you to marry them and let them move in with you . . .

What makes this worse is she lives in Georgia. hmmm . . ?

A bit of a life change for someone you knew 3 weeks.

And then when she threatened to kill herself because I obviously didn't love her as deeply as she did, me, well lets say I hope she is ok because I left that relationship in a bit of a hurry.

[McCulloch]

And then when she threatened to kill herself because I obviously didn't love her as deeply as she did, me, well lets say I hope she is ok because I left that relationship in a bit of a hurry.

You should take the suicide threat for what it is. It is an attempt to control your behaviour. Do what I want or I'll kill myself and it will be your fault. This is faulty reasoning. If she ends her own life, it will be her own fault. She has delusions that the relationship can continue when only one partner in the relationship is committed to make it continue.

[Confused]

And then when she threatened to kill herself because I obviously didn't love her as deeply as she did, me, well lets say I hope she is ok because I left that relationship in a bit of a hurry.

You should take the suicide threat for what it is. It is an attempt to control your behaviour. Do what I want or I'll kill myself and it will be your fault. This is faulty reasoning. If she ends her own life, it will be her own fault. She has delusions that the relationship can continue when only one partner in the relationship is committed to make it continue.

While logically I can agree with you, having already been through this, I wear his Dragon Pendant around my neck every day, and have for many years now. I still feel some of the guilt. I wear it to remind myself to never let anyone get that close again. It isn't worth it.