What if one of your parents cheated?
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What if one of your parents cheated?
Post #1Try to imagine that you are in your teens and living with your parents. What if you found out somehow that one of your parents had been cheating on the other? Would you tell the parent that had been cheated on or keep it to yourself because you know that it would crush the cheated on parent emotionally, spiritually, possibly even physically and that it would tear your family apart. Also that you're not even sure if it's your place to say anything at all. Or would you confront the adulterous parent?
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Zarathustra
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Post #2
I would tell the parent doing the cheating that what they are doing is wrong. I would suggest that they talk to the other parent before I did it for them. It's a serious problem, but if they talk about it as opposed to the other accidentally finding out, perhaps counselling could help or maybe a divorce is in order.
Re: What if one of your parents cheated?
Post #3I would confront the cheating spouse about the situation that led to this, because it's an indication of a problem in the relationship. I don't think I would pursue it further than that, however. It's an issue between the two of them.
Every concept that can ever be needed will be expressed by exactly one word, with its meaning rigidly defined and all its subsidiary meanings forgotten. -- George Orwell, 1984
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Dilettante
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Post #4
It's hard to say when one is not in that situation. But I think that, when there are children in the household, it's not just an issue between the two parents. Especially because the cheating can break up the family. Sometimes people need to be reminded of their responsibilities.
Post #6
If I was to confront either parent at all, it would most likely be the one doing the cheating. I would try to get the cheater's assessment of the marriage: Is it still valued? Is it pretty much over? Is the other spouse cheating, too? What does the person you're cheating with mean to you? Is there something deeper going on? Do you want me to say something to your spouse...?
These are some of the things that I would probably want to know. Are the cheater's answers consistent with my own observations? I don't really like being a snitch. I prefer the presumption of innocence over the presumption of guilt, but without additional data, I'm not sure what I'd do. A cheap one-nighter probably wouldn't send me tattling, but a long-term gig with some emotional ties would probably get me to consider telling all... Either way, I'd probably let the cheater know that I hold a trump card which may be used in future negotiations.
This is a tough one for me to speculate about, probably because my parents' marriage has been pretty much rock solid for over 45 years. That and the fact that I can barely fathom either one of them cheating, much less how I might have responded as a teenager, rather than with the acquired wisdom of an extra 25 years.
Evaluation of additional symptoms is necessary before a comprehensive treatment can be prescribed.
Regards,
mrmufin
These are some of the things that I would probably want to know. Are the cheater's answers consistent with my own observations? I don't really like being a snitch. I prefer the presumption of innocence over the presumption of guilt, but without additional data, I'm not sure what I'd do. A cheap one-nighter probably wouldn't send me tattling, but a long-term gig with some emotional ties would probably get me to consider telling all... Either way, I'd probably let the cheater know that I hold a trump card which may be used in future negotiations.
This is a tough one for me to speculate about, probably because my parents' marriage has been pretty much rock solid for over 45 years. That and the fact that I can barely fathom either one of them cheating, much less how I might have responded as a teenager, rather than with the acquired wisdom of an extra 25 years.
Evaluation of additional symptoms is necessary before a comprehensive treatment can be prescribed.
Regards,
mrmufin
Cheating parents
Post #7Greetings,
I for one did actually live this scenario out, unfortunately.
Background:
From the age of 3 or so my mother (inappropriately IMO) told me many things that she shouldn't have. It's hard to explain, because none of us have lived each others lives, and well, we haven't lived our parents lives, so...we really do not know what has made them to be the people they are. Anyway, like I was saying around the age of 3 or 4 my mother was telling me that my dad was cheating on her. She used profaine language when she mentioned it. I believe it even caused her to have a nervous breakdown. My dad you see, was a musician in a band, and he travelled without us for months and weeks at a time. He apparently could not resist temptation of younger attractive ladies throwing themselves at band members they idolized. To my knowledge he did this many times, and in fact was in several relationships when he first met my mother. I remember when I was around 6 years old or so a huge fight over this situation. My dad had always had one night stands, or so I've been led to believe, but he had found someone else he was quite fond of and was seeing her more than just once. The lady he was seeing had phoned up my mother and they had a confrontation. Apparently my father said he was leaving. All I can remember was my mother saying "when your daddy comes home, you have to beg him to stay, say 'please daddy, don't go, don't leave us'" and so I did as I was told. My dad stayed. I believe he stopped cheating off and on for a few years, but for the most part it was something that happened from time to time right up until I was in my 20's.
Here's the thing, this was no the scenario given here where you have information that your other parent does not have. I know, but wait until you get this, at around the age of 16 I discovered that my mother was also having an affair. She maintains that she was always faithful to my unfaithful father, but that she had met a man through work that swept her off her feet. He was attractive, wealthy and he paid attention to her. Unfortunately, he was also married. I had found this out without her knowing in the beggining. I also knew she wasn't just having a fling, but that she loved this man. (coincidently at around the same time I also discovered that my mother was an avid marijuana smoker. All of this was a shock to me because the time my mother was very conservative on the outside. She was making over $200,000.00 annually and really didn't seem like the "type" I guess I had stereotyped to do that sort of thing IMO). So I had a dilema.
See, I love both my parents. I did then, and I do now. I accept that they are flawed individuals, just as every human is. I couldn't understand why they would cheat on each other like that, but I knew that deep down they were both good people. (How is it that a moral good person can do something so fundamentally amoral?) I did not tell my father, because I sort of felt like "serves you right" and frankly, it was the first time I had seen my mother happy since I was born. My dad didn't really seem to be aware enough to know what was going on, and I sort of felt that if he was so ambivillant to his own wife that he didn't realize she was off having another life all together, who was I to change it? My parents were still loving towards each other, although not in a physical way (I guess they saved that for strangers! Ack!). My father eventually found out on his own, about 6 months after I knew. He was devistated (what a hypocrit!) He cried "foul", and really, only my sister was hurt by the revellation.
My mother was pretty shocked at how I delt with and felt about it. She was more concerned with what we would think than what my father would or anybody else. She even revealed to me that she was considering moving in with this other person. That was when I first became involved in the situation. I told her that the only real problem I had was that this other person was married with children. I informed her that I didn't have much of a problem before with my parents life choices because they were only harming themselves, but that this was different in a sense. She didn't agree and after a while things got incredibly ugly. The mans wife and children found out (I suspect my dad may have even been the one that told!) and the mans teenage son really didn't take it well. He didn't blame his dad for hurting his mother, he fully blammed my mother. He actually tried murdering her and vandelized her car a few times. Strangly enough it ended up being me that talked the kid down.
I felt really bad for him. I think in a way I knew that how hurt he felt was really how I probably should have felt, but I guess I'd become detached from the whole idea when I was 5 or 6 years old. Children tend to believe their parents are perfect, I had no such illusion.
Anyway, the whole thing got really messed up and I ended up in a way councelling my dad and my mom. Not together, individually. They ended up splitting apart for a year and then again for 2 years, but crazy enough they are back together now and are happier than I've ever seen them. They had married very young and had me when they were barely adults, so I guess in a way this has all been their learning process in life. I'm glad for them and I do not regret the fact that I didn't expose my mothers fling. I do not believe it was my business. I think I realized a long time ago that although I knew my parents weren't perfect, that really, they are just human beings and human beings deserve to have a certain amount of privacy in their lives. I expect privacy in my life and I will not be a hypocrit to anyone else. What was going on between my parents was between two adults, not everyone around them. People that bring their children in to their adult problems are only looking for trouble and IMO are going to hurt their children worse. I am speaking from general experience, my parents had no descretion as to what was an "adult conversation" and what was appropriate for a child.
FYI - Growing up I did not like what I saw as far as infidelity went. I saw how it hurt people, although not really directly me. I saw how it could hurt other families etc etc and I just never cheated on anybody ever. I don't think you get a medal for that, I think if you want to be with several women you should not get in to a monogemous relationship in the first place, just stay single, there are plenty of others of the opposite sex that feel the same way, so stick with them. If you want to be in a relationship for life, I recommend waiting until you are with someone you will not find yourself wandering from, and if you have made a mistake and find yourslef considering adultrey, I'd say IMO the best bet is to break up with your spouse before hand. This is all my opinions based on my experiences and free thinking.
Anybody elses opinion?
Best regards,
~Raven~
I for one did actually live this scenario out, unfortunately.
Background:
From the age of 3 or so my mother (inappropriately IMO) told me many things that she shouldn't have. It's hard to explain, because none of us have lived each others lives, and well, we haven't lived our parents lives, so...we really do not know what has made them to be the people they are. Anyway, like I was saying around the age of 3 or 4 my mother was telling me that my dad was cheating on her. She used profaine language when she mentioned it. I believe it even caused her to have a nervous breakdown. My dad you see, was a musician in a band, and he travelled without us for months and weeks at a time. He apparently could not resist temptation of younger attractive ladies throwing themselves at band members they idolized. To my knowledge he did this many times, and in fact was in several relationships when he first met my mother. I remember when I was around 6 years old or so a huge fight over this situation. My dad had always had one night stands, or so I've been led to believe, but he had found someone else he was quite fond of and was seeing her more than just once. The lady he was seeing had phoned up my mother and they had a confrontation. Apparently my father said he was leaving. All I can remember was my mother saying "when your daddy comes home, you have to beg him to stay, say 'please daddy, don't go, don't leave us'" and so I did as I was told. My dad stayed. I believe he stopped cheating off and on for a few years, but for the most part it was something that happened from time to time right up until I was in my 20's.
Here's the thing, this was no the scenario given here where you have information that your other parent does not have. I know, but wait until you get this, at around the age of 16 I discovered that my mother was also having an affair. She maintains that she was always faithful to my unfaithful father, but that she had met a man through work that swept her off her feet. He was attractive, wealthy and he paid attention to her. Unfortunately, he was also married. I had found this out without her knowing in the beggining. I also knew she wasn't just having a fling, but that she loved this man. (coincidently at around the same time I also discovered that my mother was an avid marijuana smoker. All of this was a shock to me because the time my mother was very conservative on the outside. She was making over $200,000.00 annually and really didn't seem like the "type" I guess I had stereotyped to do that sort of thing IMO). So I had a dilema.
See, I love both my parents. I did then, and I do now. I accept that they are flawed individuals, just as every human is. I couldn't understand why they would cheat on each other like that, but I knew that deep down they were both good people. (How is it that a moral good person can do something so fundamentally amoral?) I did not tell my father, because I sort of felt like "serves you right" and frankly, it was the first time I had seen my mother happy since I was born. My dad didn't really seem to be aware enough to know what was going on, and I sort of felt that if he was so ambivillant to his own wife that he didn't realize she was off having another life all together, who was I to change it? My parents were still loving towards each other, although not in a physical way (I guess they saved that for strangers! Ack!). My father eventually found out on his own, about 6 months after I knew. He was devistated (what a hypocrit!) He cried "foul", and really, only my sister was hurt by the revellation.
My mother was pretty shocked at how I delt with and felt about it. She was more concerned with what we would think than what my father would or anybody else. She even revealed to me that she was considering moving in with this other person. That was when I first became involved in the situation. I told her that the only real problem I had was that this other person was married with children. I informed her that I didn't have much of a problem before with my parents life choices because they were only harming themselves, but that this was different in a sense. She didn't agree and after a while things got incredibly ugly. The mans wife and children found out (I suspect my dad may have even been the one that told!) and the mans teenage son really didn't take it well. He didn't blame his dad for hurting his mother, he fully blammed my mother. He actually tried murdering her and vandelized her car a few times. Strangly enough it ended up being me that talked the kid down.
I felt really bad for him. I think in a way I knew that how hurt he felt was really how I probably should have felt, but I guess I'd become detached from the whole idea when I was 5 or 6 years old. Children tend to believe their parents are perfect, I had no such illusion.
Anyway, the whole thing got really messed up and I ended up in a way councelling my dad and my mom. Not together, individually. They ended up splitting apart for a year and then again for 2 years, but crazy enough they are back together now and are happier than I've ever seen them. They had married very young and had me when they were barely adults, so I guess in a way this has all been their learning process in life. I'm glad for them and I do not regret the fact that I didn't expose my mothers fling. I do not believe it was my business. I think I realized a long time ago that although I knew my parents weren't perfect, that really, they are just human beings and human beings deserve to have a certain amount of privacy in their lives. I expect privacy in my life and I will not be a hypocrit to anyone else. What was going on between my parents was between two adults, not everyone around them. People that bring their children in to their adult problems are only looking for trouble and IMO are going to hurt their children worse. I am speaking from general experience, my parents had no descretion as to what was an "adult conversation" and what was appropriate for a child.
FYI - Growing up I did not like what I saw as far as infidelity went. I saw how it hurt people, although not really directly me. I saw how it could hurt other families etc etc and I just never cheated on anybody ever. I don't think you get a medal for that, I think if you want to be with several women you should not get in to a monogemous relationship in the first place, just stay single, there are plenty of others of the opposite sex that feel the same way, so stick with them. If you want to be in a relationship for life, I recommend waiting until you are with someone you will not find yourself wandering from, and if you have made a mistake and find yourslef considering adultrey, I'd say IMO the best bet is to break up with your spouse before hand. This is all my opinions based on my experiences and free thinking.
Anybody elses opinion?
Best regards,
~Raven~
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snappyanswer
- Student
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Post #8
Raven,
The only thing I can think about is how you will treat your life partner in the future. To me it all boils down to liking someone you "love." I have been married for sixteen years and my wife and I are far more friends than anything else. We're lucky that we fell in love with each other and like each other so much.
Your parents are independent people and I hope that they gave you a peaceful and structured upbringing. It sounds horrendous in many ways they way you were raised so I hope you will not follow in their footsteps in your relationship.
The only thing I can think about is how you will treat your life partner in the future. To me it all boils down to liking someone you "love." I have been married for sixteen years and my wife and I are far more friends than anything else. We're lucky that we fell in love with each other and like each other so much.
Your parents are independent people and I hope that they gave you a peaceful and structured upbringing. It sounds horrendous in many ways they way you were raised so I hope you will not follow in their footsteps in your relationship.
Hah!
Post #9No sir!
I am in no way like my parents in regards to my personal views on fidelity. I've dated about 15-17 people in my life, but I've only ever proposed to one. I knew she was everything I'd ever want a long, long time ago. I mean, even if I wasn't as lucky, and lets say hypothetically I was in a terrible relationship...well, unlike my parents, I would end the relationship before I started looking around at other persons. But like I said, that's my personal choice and values. I'm just saying that I always felt my parents had the right to their own as well.
BTW - My wife had a pregnancy about 3 years ago. Shortly after we were married and we were trying to have a baby, so it was good news, aceept that it turned out to be a tragedy. My wife's pregnancy ended up being in her fallopian tubes and some how the doctors missed that. They nearly sent her home and she could have died from bleeding to death. It was a terrible time, because we were newlyweds and we should have been celebrating and not being devistated. Since that time, my wife has been unable to be sexual with me, well on any sort of a regular basis. Only a hand full of times in 3 years and I'll have you know I have never cheated, nor even given the idea any thought. I'm with my wife because we view the world through the same humorus, skeptical, quasi-romantic goggles. We like the same kinds of movies. I feel like we are around the same intelligence, and on the same page on pretty much all of the "important" social issues (such as abortion, capital punishment, religion, etc) and I enjoy our conversations. Plus she's really tight with money, and I'm the exact opposite. I'd probably stand on top of my house and throw hundred dollar bills away if she wasn't around. At least now I know I'm going to retire with some money and nice things.
I am in no way like my parents in regards to my personal views on fidelity. I've dated about 15-17 people in my life, but I've only ever proposed to one. I knew she was everything I'd ever want a long, long time ago. I mean, even if I wasn't as lucky, and lets say hypothetically I was in a terrible relationship...well, unlike my parents, I would end the relationship before I started looking around at other persons. But like I said, that's my personal choice and values. I'm just saying that I always felt my parents had the right to their own as well.
BTW - My wife had a pregnancy about 3 years ago. Shortly after we were married and we were trying to have a baby, so it was good news, aceept that it turned out to be a tragedy. My wife's pregnancy ended up being in her fallopian tubes and some how the doctors missed that. They nearly sent her home and she could have died from bleeding to death. It was a terrible time, because we were newlyweds and we should have been celebrating and not being devistated. Since that time, my wife has been unable to be sexual with me, well on any sort of a regular basis. Only a hand full of times in 3 years and I'll have you know I have never cheated, nor even given the idea any thought. I'm with my wife because we view the world through the same humorus, skeptical, quasi-romantic goggles. We like the same kinds of movies. I feel like we are around the same intelligence, and on the same page on pretty much all of the "important" social issues (such as abortion, capital punishment, religion, etc) and I enjoy our conversations. Plus she's really tight with money, and I'm the exact opposite. I'd probably stand on top of my house and throw hundred dollar bills away if she wasn't around. At least now I know I'm going to retire with some money and nice things.
