I went to a religious college and a seminary but it was academic as I am interested in the subject. But I was a believer and always asking questions.
I guess I grew up believing and then out grew it when I seen what it meant at its best and knew its worse. Loving seems reasonable rather you believe in god or not.
I also noticed that just about anything Jesus was reported to teach could be found it the thoughts of many others before him. It was the saving and dieing, as a sacrifice seems repugnant and the justice unfair. Mercy is always a good call but to hand it out because you feel like it sound like a tyrant not a god. One of my favorite quotes is from Cohn.
Grace is favoritism.
From Edmond Cohn’s Mind of the Bible-Believer.
One term that in particular suffers from inflation is "grace." Since the Reformation, this has been regarded as a Christian mystery. But when we look at the ancient-language texts, we find grace' to be pretty much an artifact of translation. The words translated as "grace" could just as well be translated as "favor" or "preference." Only the context determines when "grace" is to be inserted into the text. If not for the inflation of grace', the relevant verses would more clearly illustrate the arbitrariness of the bestowal of eternal life': For by. . . [preference] ye are saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.[Eph. 2:8-9] Now our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God, even our Father, which loved us, and hath given us everlasting consolation and good hope through. . .[preference].[2 Thess. 2:16] Thou therefore, my son, be strong in the . . . [favoritism] that is in Christ Jesus.[2 Tim. 2:1]