If you could prevent your existence, would you?

[Compassionist]

If you could prevent your existence, would you? Why? Why not?

Life consists of both suffering and enjoyment. Some suffer more, some enjoy more. I have suffered much more than I have enjoyed. I continue to suffer daily. I think others would be better off if I were never conceived. I think I would be better off if I were never conceived. Am I right to feel like this? Am I wrong to feel like this? I don't know.

[Compassionist]

Compassionist, thank you for sharing your struggle. Thank you also for sharing that mood scale, I had never seen that before. That's very interesting and seems useful for trying to vocalize what's going on.

I can't even imagine having to choose between a drug that may help and the side effects which clearly are undesirable. Hopefully you can find something to help you manage. Clearly you shouldn't take medical advice from strangers on the internet and I have no idea what you've tried, but perhaps some diet changes and/or exercise regimes might help? I've heard that some diets can help 'level' mood swings. The idea being to reduce things like sugar which can cause your body to have spikes and dips in insulin. Some forms of exercise are also great at helping your body maintain balance. You've probably tried everything under the sun at this point, so I'm probably not telling you anything new.

Thank you for your kindness and advice. Currently, I meditate for 30 minutes, do yoga for 30 minutes and exercise for 60 minutes daily. I eat a balanced vegan diet. When my mood is low, which is most of the time, I crave carbs. I end up eating vegan chocolates and vegan ice-creams which taste great but are not heatlhy. I have to refrain from comfort eating but I find it really hard. Still struggling with flashbacks and nightmares. Last night I woke up at 1.45 am and could not go back to sleep until after 5 am. I am glad you find the mood scale useful. I didn't create it. I found it on the internet on a website about Bipolar Affective Disorder in 2006. I use it every day to track how I am and to have perspective on things. For example, right now I am at minus 1 on the mood scale. This is much, much better than minus 5, which is the worst thing ever. I have experienced many traumatic things (e.g. being kindapped, raped, beaten up, being in accidents, floods, cyclones, mudslides, etc. losing family and friends to murder and illnesses and accidents, etc.) but none of them were as bad as being at minus 5.