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Post BBCode URL - Right click and save to clipboard to use later in post Post 1: Wed Nov 06, 2019 2:38 pm
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Christian? Former Christian? Both?

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What good is a label anyways? I dont know if ill ever give up on Jesus. I dont know if I can bring myself to that point in my life... For I believe Jesus saved me.. truly he must have.. The sinner i was, torn in pieces by the world, sitting in that jail cell pondering about my life, and all my pain and suffering. The idea of truth existing, though it must, was almost dead and gone... Maybe anything could be true? All the nonsense the world feeds me... And then? I opened the Bible, and read it... Surely it must be true, i thought... The world, its lies, its void-ness of meaning, the absurdity of insanity... And then? The Words of the scripture seemed to reveal the truth, i was a sinner, i see it now. The world did lie to me, i see it now. And i suppose there must be hope, and all i hoped for before that passed away... My flesh, worldly desires, they have all let me down anyways. But Jesus? I suppose true hope may lay in Christ? Why live for anything at all? Why not live for heavens sake anyways? Why not live a faithful life? But faith in what? It must be true, Jesus Christ the rock of salvation, it cant fail me, i thought to myself, and still do...

They call this room the outer darkness...lol... who named it that? how depraved you guys must be, and true the Bible talks of you as worse the nonbelievers... But why? Has hope gone and faded away? The new birth no longer a saving grace?

For me, I converted and was convinced I had to be perfect. I would watch preachers rebuke all the sins of the world, street preachers taking the message to the world.. "turn from your sins, sinners".. And i thought to myself, ya screw the world, those sinners, im saved by Jesus... But everything those preachers i looked at were talking about, were sins i myself was living in... Blind i guess? Hopelessly weak? a victim on my own circumstances? The sin living in me? And yet the pride i had in my salvation, in Christ, and yet the condemning the sinning world at the same time... What a hypocrite i am... What good is Christ?

Then, i was taken to a church and baptized. The preacher, the people, they helped me repent, but did they? They showed me my sins, and gave me help. but did they? All the while that preacher, an idol in the world, didnt like me, nor trusted me... And now? I look back and dont trust him...

Who is more holy anyways? Who is more righteous? This church told me "you must be perfect", and the deluded man i was i believed them... But perfection? I loath the thought now... What is perfect anyways? That preacher? No.. The world? No... The Church? No? Those whos lives look perfect and better then mine? I loathe them the most!... Perfection, surely it must be a false belief... is it not?

I now, refuse to put my hope in anything... A perfect life? that is laughable.. its a delusion... Though the world believes it... And is it Christ on the cross they believe? No it is smiles, and feeling good, and pictures on Facebook showing it off, a wife and kids and a good resume i suppose... Those people i hate the most! Depart from me! Id rather be alone...

So am i a Christian? I dont even think the church thinks so? Surely the preacher doesnt... Do i? What is a Christian life? I use to glorify perfection, the same perfection i loath now... And i thought that was truly the fruit of a perfect Christian life... But now? Maybe perfection should pass away! Maybe its a delusion anyways! Why cant we all just live the imperfect lives we live? And just a normal life with normal people? Though i still pray for God's kingdom to come, though what is it anyways? For God's kingdom to come? I dont even know... And those perfect Christians? That condemned me? And truly even the preacher i saw last Sunday... A better man he is then me, a better life then mine, more holy even, and i loath him as everyone lined up to shake his hand... Depart from me preacher, i dont know you, you idol... Am i a Christian? I dont know if ill ever bring myself to deny Christ, though im starting to deny the church and its leadership all together... And you guys, the "outer darkness"... Scary? But is it? Count me a sinner like you? not a perfect being, which may had be a delusion the entire time...

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Post BBCode URL - Right click and save to clipboard to use later in post Post 2: Thu Nov 07, 2019 9:18 pm
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Re: Christian? Former Christian? Both?

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Tart wrote:

What good is a label anyways? I dont know if ill ever give up on Jesus. I dont know if I can bring myself to that point in my life...


I know how you feel, Tart. I was in the same boat a long time ago and I felt the same way. I was convinced that Jesus had done so much in my life. Even as I struggled with cynicism, I thought there was no way I could get to a point where I didn't believe anymore.

It was a long painful transition for me, but I am at that point now and am at peace with it, even though there are many things I miss about being a Christian and there are benefits I no longer enjoy, even though I see many of the benefits as placebos more than anything.

It seems to me you are still a Christian but maybe one who is struggling with faith. It's not a nice position to be in. It's a horrible one and I don't envy anyone having to go through it.


Tart wrote:


For I believe Jesus saved me.. truly he must have.. The sinner i was, torn in pieces by the world, sitting in that jail cell pondering about my life, and all my pain and suffering. The idea of truth existing, though it must, was almost dead and gone... Maybe anything could be true? All the nonsense the world feeds me... And then? I opened the Bible, and read it... Surely it must be true, i thought... The world, its lies, its void-ness of meaning, the absurdity of insanity... And then? The Words of the scripture seemed to reveal the truth, i was a sinner, i see it now. The world did lie to me, i see it now. And i suppose there must be hope, and all i hoped for before that passed away... My flesh, worldly desires, they have all let me down anyways. But Jesus? I suppose true hope may lay in Christ? Why live for anything at all? Why not live for heavens sake anyways? Why not live a faithful life? But faith in what? It must be true, Jesus Christ the rock of salvation, it cant fail me, i thought to myself, and still do...


One thing I did learn as a Christian hearing hundred of different testimonies, was that there were many people at the lowest of the low who got their life together as a result of Christianity. However when I think about it now, it was because they were so desperate they were willing to grab a hold of anything. Christianity came along and it provided them with somehting: A support network. Like minded folk. People who'd gone through what they went through. A belief that a god is behind you, helping you.

Many had to have hit rock bottom to get the MOTIVATION to change and christianity helped them along the way, but I don't believe there is any god behind any of that. And I don't think you had any god behind you either. What I think you had was inner strength plus the MOTIVATION to change. YOU took the steps you needed to, to clean up your life. YOU made the sacrfices. YOU did the work.

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

And you can do it again! YOU have the strength to move on and get things together again, whether you do it as a Christian or do it as an ex-Christian.

Tart wrote:

They call this room the outer darkness...lol... who named it that?


I'm not sure why it was named that. Maybe Otseng or McCulloch can explain, although I haven't seen McCulloch here for some time.

You're not alone, Tart. There are many people who have been in your shoes and some of them are right here on this website.

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