This is an issue I have been having in my head for a while now and hope you guys can shred some light on it for me.
So ever since I was a child, I was told by adult such as that you have this and that and you are more fortunate than millions of people in this world. You should be happy because of that.
However, I just don't feel that is the right reasoning anymore. Is it really fair to say that because you are better off than some then you should be happy?
Just because I know that I may have a higher standard of living than others. Doesn't mean I have to be happy. It feel as if I have to suppress my unhappiness because I am being greedy and wanting more than what I already have.
So what do you guys think about this?
Happiness
Moderator: Moderators
-
rookiebatman
- Sage
- Posts: 550
- Joined: Sun Feb 08, 2015 9:02 am
Re: Happiness
Post #11You were the one who said, "The perfect person is out there for you."Peds nurse wrote:Settling for God's best, does not mean perfection. There are no perfect people, or perfect relationships.
But what I'm saying (among other things) is that if I had jumped into a relationship just to have one, I could've learned a lot of really valid things about how to have a healthy relationship. Or, if I had "jumped into" a relationship with someone I didn't think was "God's best for me," I might've found that any relationship with them was better than no relationship with girls who were closer to perfect (both inside and out), but had no interest in me.Peds nurse wrote:What I mean by not settling less for God's best means to not jump into a relationship just to have one.
Re: Happiness
Post #12Happiness according to scripture is gained by keeping the law, 'he who keeps the law, happy is he', the same also brings freedom, 'the law of liberty', long life, 'many years they will add unto you', great peace, 'great peace have they who love thy law', God wishes that you prosper, all his commands are for your happiness and prosperity. 
Re: Happiness
Post #13Happiness is a state of mind, sometimes a person is hard wired for happy feelings, even when their situation is bleak, they may suffer, but can still be optimistic and find hapiness where they find it. Thomas Jefferson was brilliant enougb to give us the right to pursue happiness. His words are so right, because try as you might, you may not find it. The goal for all of us, rich and poor alike is to never stop pursuing it, maybe it will take your whole life but isn't it worth it? Self assessment is necessary when you are unhappy or stuck in a rut, your parent was only trying to motivate you but maybe the wrong way. Even the richest people can have a life of lonliness and misery. Money affords only more options. You don't have to forrage for food, therefore you can go out to eat with a friend or coworker, this is another opportunity to socialise and find a new friend or potential mate.rookiebatman wrote:I'm right there with you. In fact, my dad said the same thing to me just last week. I have a good life overall, but am very dissatisfied and unhappy about my complete lack of relationships (both romantic and otherwise, but the romantic part is especially painful) outside of my family. I feel like companionship is, on a psychological level, a basic, essential human need. So, to say one should be content without that is like if a person had all the creature comforts their heart could desire, but for some freakish reason had no access to water. You can't just say, "you have all this other stuff, you should be happy about that; some people don't have food or water." So what? If they can't get any water, they are going to die, no matter how perfect the rest of their situation is. Fortunately, mine is not quite that bleak, but some studies have shown that being constantly alone can actually shorten a person's life span (and I think it's pretty obvious that it will make it a heck of a lot less fun in the process). And I should be happy and content about that, just because there are other people who have it even worse? I don't see how I can.jerryxplu wrote: So ever since I was a child, I was told by adult such as that you have this and that and you are more fortunate than millions of people in this world. You should be happy because of that.
However, I just don't feel that is the right reasoning anymore. Is it really fair to say that because you are better off than some then you should be happy?
You are not selfish, you are human, trying to find happiness in a world where happiness is disguised as a brand of beer or an impossibly hard body, or an expensive car. We have our work cut out for us.
-
FinalEnigma
- Site Supporter
- Posts: 2329
- Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2006 3:37 am
- Location: Bryant, AR
Re: Happiness
Post #14I am sorry if this comes across as preachy or patronizing. Please understand that is not my intent. I only offer my opinions and what experience has shown me.
I still don't have many friends, and I don't spend much time with them, but I am married now, and my wife fills my need for sociality quite well. But there is a long story between those two points.
Maslow's hierarchy of needs, for example, puts love and social relationships on the third level. His idea is that each level encompasses different tiers of needs. The idea is that when one tier is fulfilled, your greatest need and desire will be for what's on the next tier.
The first is the obvious physical needs to not die - food, water, etc.
the second is things like shelter.
The third is love and relationships.
The fourth is esteem, respect, confidence, etc.
The fifth is self actualization.
1) What are you missing now that would make you happy?
2) What would make you unhappy?
Everyone will have an answer to both. But here's the thing. For every person you ask, there will be people in the world who have that item 1 that they want, and who are miserable. And there will be people in the world who are afflicted with that item 2 who are happy.
There is no morality associated with happiness or unhappiness.
as much as I hate clichés, Suckka is essentially right when he says
But this goes back to what I learned during that long story I mentioned above.
Nobody is going to come along and make your life better if you sit there. I should know, I tried sitting there and being miserable for 10 years. The only thing that you can do is just that: do.
I had a lot of work to do before I could actually become a put-together, functioning, happy person. But at this point I think what I've learned is this:
Chart a path and blaze it. figure out what you want. I don't mean a relationship, I mean in life. If you don't know, figure it out. One approach I've heard that might have value is this "Ask yourself what you would die for. Now live for that."
The thing with relationships is that, to some degree at least, looking for one is the wrong way to find one, unless your plan is to go speed-dating with a clipboard and a list of must-haves. If you want someone to be interested in you, make yourself interesting.
Chart a path and blaze it. people will start paying attention, including romantic attention.
I understand. I suffered severe depression for along time in significant part because I was lonely. I have autism complication social relationships, and I hadn't yet figured out how to work within my identity to be socially successful on any level.rookiebatman wrote:I'm right there with you. In fact, my dad said the same thing to me just last week. I have a good life overall, but am very dissatisfied and unhappy about my complete lack of relationships (both romantic and otherwise, but the romantic part is especially painful) outside of my family.jerryxplu wrote: So ever since I was a child, I was told by adult such as that you have this and that and you are more fortunate than millions of people in this world. You should be happy because of that.
However, I just don't feel that is the right reasoning anymore. Is it really fair to say that because you are better off than some then you should be happy?
I still don't have many friends, and I don't spend much time with them, but I am married now, and my wife fills my need for sociality quite well. But there is a long story between those two points.
Most philosophers agree with you. I'm not actually aware of any who don't. So fell entirely validated: your conclusion is in line with our best understandings of human nature.I feel like companionship is, on a psychological level, a basic, essential human need.
Maslow's hierarchy of needs, for example, puts love and social relationships on the third level. His idea is that each level encompasses different tiers of needs. The idea is that when one tier is fulfilled, your greatest need and desire will be for what's on the next tier.
The first is the obvious physical needs to not die - food, water, etc.
the second is things like shelter.
The third is love and relationships.
The fourth is esteem, respect, confidence, etc.
The fifth is self actualization.
This relates to one of the facets of human nature that has fascinated me since I was a child. If you ask virtually anyone the following two questions, they will have an answer for both.So, to say one should be content without that is like if a person had all the creature comforts their heart could desire, but for some freakish reason had no access to water. You can't just say, "you have all this other stuff, you should be happy about that; some people don't have food or water." So what? If they can't get any water, they are going to die, no matter how perfect the rest of their situation is. Fortunately, mine is not quite that bleak, but some studies have shown that being constantly alone can actually shorten a person's life span (and I think it's pretty obvious that it will make it a heck of a lot less fun in the process). And I should be happy and content about that, just because there are other people who have it even worse? I don't see how I can.
1) What are you missing now that would make you happy?
2) What would make you unhappy?
Everyone will have an answer to both. But here's the thing. For every person you ask, there will be people in the world who have that item 1 that they want, and who are miserable. And there will be people in the world who are afflicted with that item 2 who are happy.
There is no morality associated with happiness or unhappiness.
as much as I hate clichés, Suckka is essentially right when he says
but I don't like that statement because it's clichéd to the point of uselessness.Happiness is a state of mind
But this goes back to what I learned during that long story I mentioned above.
Nobody is going to come along and make your life better if you sit there. I should know, I tried sitting there and being miserable for 10 years. The only thing that you can do is just that: do.
I had a lot of work to do before I could actually become a put-together, functioning, happy person. But at this point I think what I've learned is this:
Chart a path and blaze it. figure out what you want. I don't mean a relationship, I mean in life. If you don't know, figure it out. One approach I've heard that might have value is this "Ask yourself what you would die for. Now live for that."
The thing with relationships is that, to some degree at least, looking for one is the wrong way to find one, unless your plan is to go speed-dating with a clipboard and a list of must-haves. If you want someone to be interested in you, make yourself interesting.
Chart a path and blaze it. people will start paying attention, including romantic attention.
We do not hate others because of the flaws in their souls, we hate them because of the flaws in our own.
Re: Happiness
Post #15[Replying to FinalEnigma]
I thought this comment interesting:
For a long time, I never had a romantic relationship, and I figured that was the one thing I lacked. Like the OP, I often felt guilty for having plenty and being unhappy, while many starve for basic needs. What is my want of intimacy compared to their want of food?
Before I ever had a romantic relationship, I found a purpose outside of pursuing a romantic relationship. Before I ever found happiness, I found a purpose outside of pursuing happiness. For me the reasoning went something like this: I'm not happy, but I should be happy because I have plenty. However, that realization doesn't help. So, given that I am going to be unhappy, I may as well do my best to make someone else happy. If another person wants only for food, and I want only for relationship, then I could share my food and at least one of the two of us would be complete.
That was my reasoning many years ago. That is no longer my reasoning, but without that I would never have had a purpose to start with, from whence to begin improving. I thought my only need was for a relationship, and I was wrong - I have many needs I didn't realize. I thought my only sin was lust, and I was wrong - I have many sins I didn't realize. I thought depression was the root of the issue, and I was wrong - depression was a symptom of a deeper problem. The real problem was that I had plenty of room to grow, plenty of room to improve, plenty of room to become a more loving, less self-centered person. I was terribly lucky, and terribly ignorant. Depression, then, was an incredible blessing - like pain to a burn, it told me something was wrong, when I was unaware. It forced me to go looking for a solution. It was a calling, and I'm better for it.
There are people in this world who work 60 hours a week just to make ends meet, and there are people in this world who sit around and play video games all day because they're bored. I used to be one of the latter. When I realized it, I wanted to be one of the former, to make up for it. But that's not the answer either. If I have plenty, my calling is to use that plenty to make a difference. It's like the parable of the talents. Though it's not right for the rich to squander their wealth pursuing success, neither is it right for them to reject their wealth out of guilt.
What follows is my opinion, based on my own experience - but any are welcome to adopt my opinion if they would like. Life is not about pursuing success OR happiness. It's not supposed to be self-oriented at all. We need a God-given purpose outside of ourselves. We have to realize our own individual flaws, acknowledge them, repent of them, and work to improve. And most of us, I think, once we really start trying to improve, find that we are hopelessly lost no matter how hard we try. At that point, boredom is no longer the problem - sin is the problem. We can't overcome sin on our own, and we need help from Jesus.
I thought this comment interesting:
I would say the same thing about happiness in general, not just relationships. The thing with happiness is that looking for it is the wrong way to find it.The thing with relationships is that, to some degree at least, looking for one is the wrong way to find one
For a long time, I never had a romantic relationship, and I figured that was the one thing I lacked. Like the OP, I often felt guilty for having plenty and being unhappy, while many starve for basic needs. What is my want of intimacy compared to their want of food?
Before I ever had a romantic relationship, I found a purpose outside of pursuing a romantic relationship. Before I ever found happiness, I found a purpose outside of pursuing happiness. For me the reasoning went something like this: I'm not happy, but I should be happy because I have plenty. However, that realization doesn't help. So, given that I am going to be unhappy, I may as well do my best to make someone else happy. If another person wants only for food, and I want only for relationship, then I could share my food and at least one of the two of us would be complete.
That was my reasoning many years ago. That is no longer my reasoning, but without that I would never have had a purpose to start with, from whence to begin improving. I thought my only need was for a relationship, and I was wrong - I have many needs I didn't realize. I thought my only sin was lust, and I was wrong - I have many sins I didn't realize. I thought depression was the root of the issue, and I was wrong - depression was a symptom of a deeper problem. The real problem was that I had plenty of room to grow, plenty of room to improve, plenty of room to become a more loving, less self-centered person. I was terribly lucky, and terribly ignorant. Depression, then, was an incredible blessing - like pain to a burn, it told me something was wrong, when I was unaware. It forced me to go looking for a solution. It was a calling, and I'm better for it.
There are people in this world who work 60 hours a week just to make ends meet, and there are people in this world who sit around and play video games all day because they're bored. I used to be one of the latter. When I realized it, I wanted to be one of the former, to make up for it. But that's not the answer either. If I have plenty, my calling is to use that plenty to make a difference. It's like the parable of the talents. Though it's not right for the rich to squander their wealth pursuing success, neither is it right for them to reject their wealth out of guilt.
What follows is my opinion, based on my own experience - but any are welcome to adopt my opinion if they would like. Life is not about pursuing success OR happiness. It's not supposed to be self-oriented at all. We need a God-given purpose outside of ourselves. We have to realize our own individual flaws, acknowledge them, repent of them, and work to improve. And most of us, I think, once we really start trying to improve, find that we are hopelessly lost no matter how hard we try. At that point, boredom is no longer the problem - sin is the problem. We can't overcome sin on our own, and we need help from Jesus.
Re: Happiness
Post #16[Replying to post 15 by Wissing]
Even "sinners" can be happy. Depends on what your definition of sin is, I think the more depressed/down you are the more "sins" you are likely to see in yourself, so I wouldn't use this type of thinking as a starting point, it gives you too many mental roadblocks, in my opinion.
But if you start with the less harsh "Improving Yourself" starting point, just realize that's just another way to say, get off your duff! The goal is not to be perfect, but to strive for it, it is an impossible goal for a human anyway and would make you hard to get along with. I mean, nobody wants to be with a perfect person, they want to be with a person who is "perfect for them."
I like the suggestion above not to look for happiness but to do things for others and it will turn into happiness, maybe in a way you were not expecting. It takes the weight of it off you while at the same time, giving you ways to interact with new people. Really that is all it is when you are looking for relationships, interacting with new people.
I would also ask others to set you up with available single people, blind dates can be fun and just do something casual, bowling, dancing, dinner, movie (everyone loves movies), make cookies from scratch, take a group with you to a football game or concert. Put yourself out there, take risks, accept rejection, move on, and enjoy yourself. Nothing turns a girl on more than a guy whose having a good time or who is passionate about something! Good luck.
Even "sinners" can be happy. Depends on what your definition of sin is, I think the more depressed/down you are the more "sins" you are likely to see in yourself, so I wouldn't use this type of thinking as a starting point, it gives you too many mental roadblocks, in my opinion.
But if you start with the less harsh "Improving Yourself" starting point, just realize that's just another way to say, get off your duff! The goal is not to be perfect, but to strive for it, it is an impossible goal for a human anyway and would make you hard to get along with. I mean, nobody wants to be with a perfect person, they want to be with a person who is "perfect for them."
I like the suggestion above not to look for happiness but to do things for others and it will turn into happiness, maybe in a way you were not expecting. It takes the weight of it off you while at the same time, giving you ways to interact with new people. Really that is all it is when you are looking for relationships, interacting with new people.
I would also ask others to set you up with available single people, blind dates can be fun and just do something casual, bowling, dancing, dinner, movie (everyone loves movies), make cookies from scratch, take a group with you to a football game or concert. Put yourself out there, take risks, accept rejection, move on, and enjoy yourself. Nothing turns a girl on more than a guy whose having a good time or who is passionate about something! Good luck.
Re: Happiness
Post #17[Replying to post 16 by suckka]
Well, there's always internet dating, for those looking for a relationship. It worked for me
.
Sure, sinners can be happy. We're all sinners, and some of us are happy. But what if happiness isn't the goal in the first place?
Is happiness your goal?
Well, there's always internet dating, for those looking for a relationship. It worked for me
.Sure, sinners can be happy. We're all sinners, and some of us are happy. But what if happiness isn't the goal in the first place?
Is happiness your goal?
Re: Happiness
Post #18[Replying to Wissing]
Happiness is the OP question. Good idea about the online dating. I am too old and married forever to have thought of it.
Happiness is the OP question. Good idea about the online dating. I am too old and married forever to have thought of it.
Re: Happiness
Post #19when i heard that phrase in adult life "the persuit of happines" it bothered me because it sounds like a sarcastic remark? god guarantee's life, liberty, and something not guaranteed is happiness......you HAVE TO persue it? so is he DISSING happiness or is it the CATCH 22 of life? if he said contentment most would have felt left out? he felt sympathetic to mans imperfection? of course he did not write the declaration so maybe someone took license on his behalf?
-
Checkpoint
- Prodigy
- Posts: 4069
- Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2016 10:07 pm
- Has thanked: 105 times
- Been thanked: 63 times
Re: Happiness
Post #20[Replying to post 19 by alexx]
He didn't oversee it, men wrote it to ensure a much better future than the past they had experienced and learned from.
Perhaps this link may interest you.
http://historynewsnetwork.org/article/46460
You seem to have the declaration and the bible mixed together, and that god wrote or inspired the declaration.when i heard that phrase in adult life "the persuit of happines" it bothered me because it sounds like a sarcastic remark? god guarantee's life, liberty, and something not guaranteed is happiness......you HAVE TO persue it? so is he DISSING happiness or is it the CATCH 22 of life? if he said contentment most would have felt left out? he felt sympathetic to mans imperfection? of course he did not write the declaration so maybe someone took license on his behalf?
He didn't oversee it, men wrote it to ensure a much better future than the past they had experienced and learned from.
Perhaps this link may interest you.
http://historynewsnetwork.org/article/46460
