Atheist Jokes

[dusk]

I just heard so many great jewish jokes. Jews are just the best in the Joke department.

I was wondering how many good Atheist jokes we can find.

Start with some

What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
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How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
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An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!. � There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you. � So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay . . . . . NOW you’re screwed.
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During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning’s executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholicpriest, and a rationalist skeptic.

The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, “I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me.� The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim’s neck. To which the rabbi said, “I told you so.�
“It’s a miracle!� gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.
Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, “I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need.� The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! …stopping just short of its mark once more.
“Another miracle!� sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.
Now it was the skeptic’s turn. “What final words have you to say?� he was asked. But the skeptic didn’t hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.
“Oh, I see your problem,� the skeptic said pointing. “You’ve got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!�
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An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created. Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him Running faster yet, he looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest. He tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. The atheist cried…�GOD DAMN!…�
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from the sky.
“YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A CHRISTIAN?�
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “Why don’t you try and make the bear a Christian?�
“VERY WELL,� said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. … and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.�
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Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Praying.
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.
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Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
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Q: What happens when an agnostic joins the KKK?
A: He burns question marks in peoples’ front yard.
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no really anti-atheist but still good

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.�

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!� he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?� and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.�
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,� he said, “give him the dog.�
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“15,000 Atheists in London rioted after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist’s desk�


There should be more.

[frm_alterboy]

why did the amish girl get excommunicated? to mennonite...

[Richard81]

This ones my favorite.

[Nickman]

[Nilloc James]

I thought these were supposed to be about atheists? Self depreciating humor and the such...

Google search reveals:


Why did the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

Two cannibals are eating an atheist, and one says to the other, “Can you believe the way this guy tastes?�


Q.What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
Ans.Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

[Nickman]

[dusk]

I thought these were supposed to be about atheists? Self depreciating humor and the such...

You are right. That has gotten lost. I guess my mistake was to post it into the Atheists only subforum. Must have been a mental blackout or a mod who moved it.

[Nickman]

[Nickman]

[Armed Citizen]

I think I may have just wet myself, that was durn funny!!

[Armed Citizen]

One day the zoo keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books,On the Origin of Species and the Bible.

Surprised,he asked the orangutan "why are you reading both those books"

"Well," said the orangutan. "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother"

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Atheist headstone inscription: "All Dressed Up And Nowhere To Go".

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How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Atheists don't see the light.

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An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.� The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.� The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.� The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?� asks the genie. “Well,� says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.� The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?� asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.�
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Yep, I stoled em all. I ain't this darn witty.




:2gun: