How to say it?

[Av8r]

I come from a family who are relatively strong Christians. I attended church as a kid, but not since. I've always questioned God's existence, but never spoke of it. These days, my family has gotten into religion much more than I ever remember. My brother got his first tattoo (and still the only tattoo) of a large stylized cross with a dove overlaid right on his forearm. My father now plays in the church's band. My aunt and uncle preached to me about how wrong it was and how disappointed they were that I'm living with my boyfriend without being married. I could go on and on. I generally avoid conflict at all costs, so admitting that I don't believe the same as them has still, to this day, not come out. I love my family very much, and I don't want them to think less of me because of my non-religious stance. I'm in my mid twenties, and I think it's time that I fully accept my beliefs and make it known. Not just with my family, but with anyone who tries to preach to me. Instead of just listening, nodding and letting it go, I think I'm ready to stand up for myself. But the question is how??

[Adurumus]

I struck it pretty lucky. While my mom is heavily religious at the moment, she had an atheistic period in which I was able to 'come out'. I can't give you any sage advice, and I wish I could... just know that you've got my support. I'm sure everyone else here is willing to offer theirs', too.

[TD101]

I'm struggling with the same problem. My entire family is religious and I was until about 2 years ago. The last several months I have started letting people know the truth and it has been very liberating. I have decided not to fake it anymore and anyone that asks will get the truth.

Now to your question of how? I started with one on one conversations. This prevented me from being ganged up on and I had some great discussions. They have let others know and no one has given me a hard time about it. So, in that since I have been lucky. Every now and then my wife will "preach" at me, and I'll just look at her and say "really, you think preaching at me is going to do any good?"

I encourage you to be honest and let them know. It will give you piece of mind and when they want to preach at you for living with your boyfriend, you can say "really?"

[Av8r]

That's pretty neat that you didn't have much of an issue telling your family. I wish people weren't so judgmental, it's just a belief you know? There is no right or wrong way to think. How did you tell your friends? What about random people that bring it up? I never know how to stop someone when they go on their little 'spiel'. I completely respect each person's belief, so I don't want to offend them. I also don't know enough yet to have a good debate or discussion, so really I just want a way to say, "I'm sorry, I'm not religious. I'd rather we discuss something different." Most people that I know would freak, then they'd try telling me that I'm horrible.

Sorry for rambling, I guess I have a lot to say... and thanks for the support, it's much appreciated.

[ThatGirlAgain]

I come from a family who are relatively strong Christians. I attended church as a kid, but not since. I've always questioned God's existence, but never spoke of it. These days, my family has gotten into religion much more than I ever remember. My brother got his first tattoo (and still the only tattoo) of a large stylized cross with a dove overlaid right on his forearm. My father now plays in the church's band. My aunt and uncle preached to me about how wrong it was and how disappointed they were that I'm living with my boyfriend without being married. I could go on and on. I generally avoid conflict at all costs, so admitting that I don't believe the same as them has still, to this day, not come out. I love my family very much, and I don't want them to think less of me because of my non-religious stance. I'm in my mid twenties, and I think it's time that I fully accept my beliefs and make it known. Not just with my family, but with anyone who tries to preach to me. Instead of just listening, nodding and letting it go, I think I'm ready to stand up for myself. But the question is how??

Possibly you could use this site to fully clarify your beliefs so that you are on firm ground when you 'break the news'. As far as doing that goes, it might be best to first question particular aspects of religion here and there rather than hit them with a truckload of disbelief. In retrospect I handled my own religious 'coming out' poorly and in the end moved out to keep my stepmother's constant harangues from killing my father's spirit. I do not know if a gradual approach would really have been better but years of pretending followed by a catastrophic break was disastrous.

[Adurumus]

That's pretty neat that you didn't have much of an issue telling your family. I wish people weren't so judgmental, it's just a belief you know? There is no right or wrong way to think. How did you tell your friends? What about random people that bring it up? I never know how to stop someone when they go on their little 'spiel'. I completely respect each person's belief, so I don't want to offend them. I also don't know enough yet to have a good debate or discussion, so really I just want a way to say, "I'm sorry, I'm not religious. I'd rather we discuss something different." Most people that I know would freak, then they'd try telling me that I'm horrible.

Sorry for rambling, I guess I have a lot to say... and thanks for the support, it's much appreciated.

Hehe, rambling is fine. It's the best way to get your thoughts together, y'know? I guess I struck it sort of lucky in my location. The first big friend I had, Brian, was a militant atheist. I made friends with his friends, and went from there. They weren't as evangelical in their beliefs, but I never had the issue of talking to friends about religion. Now politics, that would get us going.

As for random people, I guess they're just polite enough not to bring it up. Sometimes it's inevitable, and then we butt heads. I'm the sort of person who profusely apologizes for everything, though, so I make sure there's no hard feelings leading up to a debate/argument, and no hard feelings left after the fact. I guess the best thing you can do is tell them that you respect their opinion, have thought about it, but don't feel comfortable talking about it. You don't even have to include the "but I'm not religious" disclaimer, just say it makes you feel uneasy to discuss it.

[TD101]

I typed out a reply several hours ago but for some reason it didn't post.

Anyway, I know how you feel. My entire family is religious and I was until about 2 years ago. I faked it for a while, but finally grew tired of that. I broke the ice by having one on one discussions with certain family members. This prevented me from being ganged up on and also led to some great conversations. Other family members have found out through them, but not everyone knows. I've decided that if anyone asks they'll get the truth.

I agree with thatgirlagain's comment about questioning particular aspects of religion. I had started doing that and eventually someone called me out on it, so they got the truth. They weren't terribly shocked since I had been dropping hints for a while.

there are a lot of people out there in a similar situation, so you're not alone. If they want to debate religion, this is a great place to get ideas to defend yourself.

[Nilloc James]

Some of my family are missionaries, telling them was fun! (sarcasm)

I didn't sit them down and give them 1 single, "I'm an atheist" talk.

I broke it into little pieces of, "why aren't you saying grace", "oh I don't believe".

That said it that method didn't go over particularily well. You may want to learn from my mistake and tell them when they aren't holding a pot full of gravy....

[McCulloch]

After my wife and I became more open about our lack of religious faith, we discovered that there were more unbelievers in the extended family than we had suspected.

[Av8r]

Possibly you could use this site to fully clarify your beliefs so that you are on firm ground when you 'break the news'. As far as doing that goes, it might be best to first question particular aspects of religion here and there rather than hit them with a truckload of disbelief.

I agree. That's probably a really good idea. I've begun looking through the forum, reading old threads, and new. It's helped greatly.

I guess the best thing you can do is tell them that you respect their opinion, have thought about it, but don't feel comfortable talking about it. You don't even have to include the "but I'm not religious" disclaimer, just say it makes you feel uneasy to discuss it.

Hmmm... I know that's the safe way to do things, and in my case it's probably the best idea for now. But I have to ask, why should we keep our mouths shut? Why is it ok for theists to express their beliefs, but it's wrong for us? Just a thought (and I'm sure it's already been discussed in this forum at one time or another, I just haven't found that thread yet).

I agree with thatgirlagain's comment about questioning particular aspects of religion. I had started doing that and eventually someone called me out on it, so they got the truth. They weren't terribly shocked since I had been dropping hints for a while.

I will have to try that approach. I've also been dropping small hints to my immediate family. I think they know that I'm not on the same page as them, but they don't know my exact stance. Quite frankly, I've been having a really hard time admitting to myself that I'm atheist. I've been raised that the word has such a negative connotation to it. But why should it? This bothers me. I've felt guilty for believing what I believe, and that's wrong. No atheist should be ashamed for not believing. What do you all think?

Some of my family are missionaries, telling them was fun! (sarcasm)

I didn't sit them down and give them 1 single, "I'm an atheist" talk.

I broke it into little pieces of, "why aren't you saying grace", "oh I don't believe".

That said it that method didn't go over particularily well. You may want to learn from my mistake and tell them when they aren't holding a pot full of gravy....

haha wow. That's interesting. I guess screaming to the world that I'm atheist isn't the way to go.


Lastly, thanks for all the stories everyone. It's nice to find a group of people that I'm comfortable talking about this to. I hope none of my replies went over the line.