Ecouraging children to believe in fantasies and fables

[melodious]

My question:
Should we teach or encourage our children to believe in fables and fictional legends/events that we know are not factual or based in reality in some effort to preserve their innocence - such as Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, King Arthur, Robin Hood, George Washington and the cherry tree (along with never telling a lie), 19 terrorists attacking America and destroying the Twin Towers and Pentagon, the "we were caught with our pants down" theory of Pearl Harbor, the moon landing (complete nationalistic bull), fairies, unicorns, Hercules, Buddha, Krishna, and (to save the best for last) Jesus? If so, at what age do we draw the line and begin "bursting their bubbles"?

To begin this thread I would like to share a personal experience in the form of an anecdote about my son, Conner.

When he was about four and a half years old I took him to see Star Wars: Episode III – The Revenge of the Sith. I knew he was a little too young for this new PG-13 Star Wars movie, but he begged me to take him and since I wanted to see it also I thought, ‘sure, what the hay.’ He was enthralled with the movie all the way up until the point that Anakin Skywalker turned to the “darkside� and became Darth Vader. He literally cried out in the movie theatre – “Noooooo!� I almost began to cry, myself, seeing him so emotionally affected by it.

When we were leaving the theatre he was still quite bummed out, so I made an effort to console him by saying that it was okay because it was merely part of the story. He responded by looking up at me with his tear soaked face and asking, “What do you mean, daddy? What do you mean by ‘it’s part of the story’? “Well, son…� I began slowly. “It is just the way George Lucas wrote it.� “Who is George Lucas?� he curiously asks. “Well, Conner, he is the man who created the story of Star Wars, and Anakin is merely a character in the story. “But Anakin is real, isn’t he, daddy?� I paused for a moment, thinking of how I should respond. “Well no, son. He is a made-up character in George Lucas’ story.� He then lashes out with frustrated anger. “He is too real! I know he is!�

I almost felt bad for a second. But then I realized that this was part of his adolescent growth and that if he wanted to believe that Anakin was a real person that lived in “a galaxy far, far away,� then it was perfectly okay because… he is four. So I said to him, “Conner, if you want to believe that Anakin is real, that is okay with me. After all, in this life we are only four once and I will never ever think less of you for believing in whatever you want to believe in. It’s a personal choice that cannot be taken away from you.� He felt good about that, seemingly knowing that he was empowered by making his own choices. So until he turned six he held on to that child-like belief, and I never encouraged him any differently.

He is currently six and a half, and just recently he came up to me and said, “Daddy, I understand now about Star Wars.� “Understand what, Conner?� I was not thinking about two years ago at the theatre – but he was. Children do not forget things that adults often do. He continued with, “I understand now that Star Wars is just a story, and that George Lucas made it up to help teach us about wise choices.� I taught him the definition of the word wisdom when he was only three, and often used the phrase ‘wise choices’ when instructing him about discipline. It took me back – way back – because I realized that he had grown up mentally and spiritually without me even noticing it. It was a beautiful thing to experience because he it did it on his own without me forcing my opinion on him.

I share this heart-felt story with all of you so that maybe it might shed some light on the issue concerning the belief in an historical Jesus, or any other ridiculous fable or falsehood that adults teach children and is not supported by concrete evidence. Sure, we can all believe anything we want to; however, that does not make it any more part of absolute reality or truth. It just makes it our reality and our truth. Maybe if we stop filling their heads full of our personal beliefs and half-witted understandings of things, they might actually teach us something through their lack of programming. We need to stop programming our children to be just like us and let them be individuals and free thinkers!

[realthinker]

My wife likes all the traditions that go along with childhood -- christmas, easter, halloween, birthday parties. I tell her that's fine if she wants to have fun with the kids, but if they ask I'm not going to lie to them. I don't go out of my way to spoil her fun. I don't look for a chance to drop hints. I don't go to great lengths to hide things though and I don't make up or, to a great extent, even tell the stories.

My son ditched Santa at age 5 (he's now 8) and he never thought much of the easter bunny story. He's way too literal to believe anything that's at all contrary to what he observes and interacts with every day.

My nearly 6-year-old daughter, on the other hand, has an imagination that doesn't stop. She wants to believe the stories and wants to hang on to those ideas. She'd be upset if we pulled the rug out from under her. We let her have her fantasy, but make her put it away when it gets to be too much or gets in the way of what she needs to be doing or interferes with the family. She's starting to catch on to the notion that we don't share her make believe.

Regarding the holidsays, however, holidays aren't about the stories. We could celebrate any stories we like any time we like in our homes, but they wouldn't be holidays. They'd be family tradition. Holidays are about building community. They're about reinforcing the shared truth that builds our understanding of one another and the trust in those around us. That's why christmas is under such scrutiny in the US. Christmas is about Christianity and promoting Christian community. We're not so much a Christian community any more, so the holiday is doing something entirely contrary to the purpose of a holiday, it's dividing the community.

So, while I don't promote holidays, I promote community. We need the trust and good will and cooperation that small, homogeneous neighborhoods share. We just need to find out how to build that without the reliance upon arbitrary and conflicting sets of unprovable beliefs.

[melodious]

Thank you for your response realthinker

I understand what you mean about community and coming together instead of mongering over stupid petty details.

As far as letting kids believe fantasies, I feel that kids (and all people for that matter) come to know truth in their own time and way. We can't force it. But that does not mean we have to egg it on though. We should lend our opinion in a kind and caring way, and if they don't like it, then maybe they're just not ready yet. When I share the Gnostic view of Christianity with adults they are taken back and somewhat apalled at my statements and professions; however, when I shared it with my six year old son when he asked about Jesus, he perfectly was okay with it. On the other hand, his older sister (8 yrs) does not like the mythical interpretation and gets upset when I say that the Jesus story is a sacred myth.

I believe we share the same view on this issue. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences.

[realthinker]

Thank you for your response realthinker

I understand what you mean about community and coming together instead of mongering over stupid petty details.

As far as letting kids believe fantasies, I feel that kids (and all people for that matter) come to know truth in their own time and way. We can't force it. But that does not mean we have to egg it on though. We should lend our opinion in a kind and caring way, and if they don't like it, then maybe they're just not ready yet. When I share the Gnostic view of Christianity with adults they are taken back and somewhat apalled at my statements and professions; however, when I shared it with my six year old son when he asked about Jesus, he perfectly was okay with it. On the other hand, his older sister (8 yrs) does not like the mythical interpretation and gets upset when I say that the Jesus story is a sacred myth.

I believe we share the same view on this issue. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences.

I grew up in a conservative Catholic home and most of my six siblings' families remain very devout, if not exactly Catholic, and my parents are entirely dedicated to the Church. Their beliefs are part of the conversation and part of what my children are engaged in, despite the fact that my wife and children and I are entirely non-religious. When the topic of Jesus comes up we explain the history and we explain what people believe and we instruct them to be respectful of what others believe. We explain to them that it's OK for others to believe, but that it is not OK for those people to instruct my children in what they think my children should believe. I try to explain why others believe what they may and why we don't believe in religion. It's worked so far very well. My son, being very literal, simply tells people that he doesn't believe in God and that Jesus was just a man. My daughter, being five years old and more socially attuned, absorbs what others are saying and tries to repeat their behavior. We don't really correct her so much as we ask her to explain what she's doing and why. That's usually enough to take the substance out of it and make her understand that she's just acting like others.

I've been challenged on occasion by neighbors who've come to understand that in spite of my Catholic upbringing I'm an atheist. When that's happened I've generally turned the questioning back on them. Are we mean people? Do we mistreat anyone? Do we try to influence anyone with our beliefs? Do we suggest that they are wrong in what they believe in any way other than simply believing something different? Beyond judging us according to the measure that their religion suggests, do they find us in any other way distasteful people? When they find that in any other respect we are good, I ask them why they wouldn't want to associate with people like us.

The answer has been, on more than one occasion, that they fear the influence on their own children. To that, I ask how their belief, their ultimate truth to the universe, cannot withstand an alternate belief from a good, well-intentioned family. If their religion is so poorly suited to withstand outside influence, how has it survived? They must surely be doing it wrong, because it's been through more strenuous trials than they've seen on our block. I explain that they can have it one of two ways, and it's their conscious choice. We can be friends and cooperate and enjoy our community, or they can elect to divide it to protect something I'm not threatening. Either way, it won't change how I behave. I'll simply regret that it can't be otherwise.

[Sjoerd]

All of you just have to read "Hogfather" by Terry Pratchett.

[C-Nub]

I'm a father, my daughter is four, and she goes to church with Grandma because she likes it. I'm an atheist, and I've told my daughter that I don't believe in God. She asked about Santa, and instead of confirming or denying it, I stated that I don't believe in him either.

I want her to grow as a person, but at the same time, I want her to know me as I am, and not some sugar-coated protective version of me.

I have faith that my child will be able to figure out what she believes and what's important to her based on how we live, and not what I say. The values that are important to me are showcased through action, through decision making and moral judgment, all of which she's proven herself to be very apt with. In regards to what she believes, well, I was free to evolve my philosophies more or less on my own, and so too should she be. I want her to be her own person, and because of that, I'm pretty careful not to answer any questions like that with 'absolute' values. I'll tell her what I believe, and when she's old enough to grasp it, why, but I certainly won't insist mine is teh final answer.

[realthinker]

. . . I'll tell her what I believe, and when she's old enough to grasp it, why, but I certainly won't insist mine is teh final answer.

I look forward to instructing my children in critical thought, and eventually having them apply it to what I've taught them. I wouldn't mind learning from them. I want them to build on and improve what I think I know. I'd like to start two thousand years of that tradition. I think such tradition would snuff out religion quite effectively. It's too bad that the prevalent traditions were allowed to grow with ignorance and superstition for thousands of years before the social phenomena that come with travel and world-wide communication are allowed to counter it.

[Fallibleone]

My daughter is unmovably convinced at the age of 7 that there is no God. I have to keep trying to instill in her the idea that she should believe what she believes because she feels it's right based on what she has found out, and not because it's what I believe, and that she is free to change her mind. She says she knows this, but says that at the moment, she has decided that God is not real. I've told her that at her age she doesn't know an awful lot of the arguments and counter arguments, and that as she grows up she'll get betetr tools for determining what is likely to be true and what isn't, and she assures me that she knows that, thank you. She has dealt with the God issue in much the same way as the Santa and Easter bunny issue, which is basically to ask me 'Mummy, is X real?' to which I reply 'what do you think?' and she then goes on to 'reason it out' in her 7 year old way always, so far, with the same outcome.