The Atheist Song

[C-Nub]

I wrote this some time ago, and figured some of you might enjoy it. I especially like the part about microwave feedback detection. There's a dirty word towards the end.



Ooooooooooooooooh
Fourteen billion years ago things were really tight,
There wasn’t room to move around and it was always night,
You couldn’t walk or talk or dance or move to jump around,
You couldn’t see, you couldn’t smell and you could not hear a sound,

Then everything seemed to change and do it really quick,
There was too much in too little and it was all too thick,

Who knew for that whole boring time that it was fully loaded,
The Universe’s patience had slowly been eroded,
So the whole thing got fed up and the universe exploded!

It sent gas and smoke and fire in every which direction,
And was really-really bright when the light escaped reflection,
We know all this because of accidental microwave feedback detection,
It was interfering with your cell-phone / satellite connection,
This discovery was made despite Catholic Objection

Eventually the gas and smoke collided to make stars,
Which vomited all the stuff for planets just like ours,
Like Jupiter and Venus, Neptune, Saturn, Earth and Mars,
This whole process took really quite a while,
It was as far away from seven days as an inch is to a mile,

After a couple stars our planet started on its life,
It took a lifeless little moon as its homely wife,
It used its molten metal womb to make sure we were set,
It mixed oxygen and hydrogen to make sure we stayed wet,
And still it wasn’t finished and had something better yet,

It mixed a bunch of gook to make a single living cell,
A slimy, sticky, gooey little pile of living genetic gel,
It didn’t do much other than sit and kinda smell,
But eventually that single cell would have to have a son,
Who would have to have his own so as not to be outdone

So back and forth it went as turns were taken and exchanged,
Asexual creations were carefully arranged,
Generation after next, nothing ever changed

Then a cell was split and came out of it not quite like the rest,
It turned out to be faster and pretty much the best,
The faster cell because of it got to eat the most,
And with more food it spread itself from coast-to-coast-to-coast,
Then that cell it grew again and changed a little more,

It grew from one to two cells, then from two it grew to four,

They grew and changed and grew again until I lost all score,

Life grew and changed a lot and got really complicated,
Every single living thing was constantly updated,
And though this theory still will be occasionally debated,
There is still one single fact that can’t be overstated,
That this is most likely how we ended up created,
That we are just an accident that thinks we’re somehow fated,

Life is cosmic twist, a funny little quirk,
That we are all coincidence and not an artist’s work,
I don’t say this because I’m secretly a jerk
It’s because all the evidence says it is this way,
All signs point to this one fact and it painful just to saaaaaaaay…

There is no God, he is not real, he never did exist,
No Jesus Christ, No Moses, I hope you get the gist,
There’s no frogs, no blood red water, no murdered first-born son,
It sucks, I know, but it’s not all bad, now off to fuck a nun!

There is no heaven, there is no hell, and you do not have a soul,
When you die you go nowhere except an eight-foot hole,

So whether you are Catholic, Hindu, Muslim, Buddhist or a Jew,
What you think really happened simply isn’t true,
And even if you wish it so, the truth is simply thus,
Give some monkeys enough time and they’ll end up just like us.

[JoeyKnothead]

Loved it!

Has a great beat, I can dance to it, I give it a ninety four.

[OnceConvinced]

Preach it Brother!



Hey, you could turn that into a great atheist picture book for kids.

[Evales]

I would love to see this sung on Playschool or something. It would be hilarious.