Daily laugh

[FinalEnigma]

Everybody likes to laugh, so I thought I'd amuse myself by starting a thread with the purpose of just posting whatever funny things you come across to brighten others' days just a little bit. So feel free to post away. it can be jokes, pictures, funny stories, anything that makes you laugh.

[The Tongue]

Did you hear about the woman who refused to have anal sex with her husband, because she believed that was how Lawyers are born.

[ThatGirlAgain]

I was watching a show about an extremely large person, nine hundred gillion plus...

A being no longer fit for a door.
(Fork lift in tandem with an excavator).

My heart felt sad.
Wow, you are over weight.

Then my optimist spoke up.

How great would it be to be one of her kids....

"Clean your room?!"

"Come and make me fatty!"

What makes you think you would ever get out of your room again?

[Mr. LongView]

I was watching a show about an extremely large person, nine hundred gillion plus...

A being no longer fit for a door.
(Fork lift in tandem with an excavator).

My heart felt sad.
Wow, you are over weight.

Then my optimist spoke up.

How great would it be to be one of her kids....

"Clean your room?!"

"Come and make me fatty!"

What makes you think you would ever get out of your room again?

Authors note...

As a piece of whimsy, this thought has been met with some resistance.

Most folk got what I was getting at, others thought I was depraved and insensitive.

Perhaps I should have said...

"Did you brush your teeth?"

"I think so, come and check."

Enablers be dammed.

[The Tongue]

I remember when I was a young whipper snapper, this was moren fifty years ago, the girlfriend and I were on the couch listening to the wireless, "No TV in those days," and the girlfriend who was laying with her head in me lap, looked up and said,"Kiss me darling," and I thought to myself, "If I could get my head down low enough to be able to kiss you sweetheart, then I wouldn't need you."

[Mr. LongView]

In the hotel breakfast area...

TV on the wall is discussing the right to bear arms...

Little boy looks up from his Lucky Charms and tells his mom, "I want bear arms?? Can I get some?"

Without missing a beat mom says, "The surgery is too expensive, maybe for christmas."

[The Tongue]

I asked the wife to give me a hint as to what I should buy her for her birthday. Something that goes from zero to 200 in 10 seconds would be nice she said, so I went out and bought her a set of bathroom scales; I should be released from hospital sometime next week.

[The Tongue]

We've got a hen here, who thinks that she's a rooster. She runs around the paddock trying to crow and trying to mount all the other hens. Me wife reckons that she's an hermaphrodite, but I call her a "sticky beak."

[The Tongue]

Ah, me dear old mum, she loved the church
She’d be there each day of the week
Pottering around in the garden
Keeping the church and altar all neat.

She put vases of flowers everywhere
God she was a bloody gem,
But the priest who run the show down there
I weren’t real keen on him.

Bloody parasites if you ask me
But that’s the opinion of only one man,
Yet once they know that you’re devoted
They’ll use you for all they can.

Anyway, somehow he must have discovered
That painting was me trade
And that little church was shabby mate
Needed a paint job really bad

So he got into me mothers ear
And she put the pressure on,
The slimy little bugger
Knew I couldn’t refuse me mum.

Had me by the short and curlies
Knew I had to do the job
And do the bloody thing for nothing
I wouldn’t get a bob.

So I turned up with me paint pot,
Me compressor and all me gear
And I asked him if he had the paint
He said, “Yeah, it’s over here�

Two gallons was all he flamin’ had,
Gettin’ nothin’ outta me;
So I took that little bit of paint
And thinned it down to buggery.

A gallon of thinners to a gallon of paint
And that’s how I threw it on,
The job looked nice and shiny
But she weren’t gonna last to long

And a couple of months, down the track
One morning I’m laying there
And I hears this commotion outside me house,
You ever heard them priests when they swear?

Well, he was standing outside abusing me
You could tell he weren’t no saint
And his words still echo thru me head
REPAINT YOU THINNER, REPAINT!.....The Tongue.

[The Tongue]

I found this little poem which was written by the most long lived and prolific of all poets,"Mr Anonymous."

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mist aches I dew knot sea.

I strike a quay (Kee) and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong or write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
And Eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this message threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter perfect in every weigh,
My checker tolled me sow.

[Goat]

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