Daily laugh

FinalEnigma · Post by **FinalEnigma** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 4:00 pm

Everybody likes to laugh, so I thought I'd amuse myself by starting a thread with the purpose of just posting whatever funny things you come across to brighten others' days just a little bit. So feel free to post away. it can be jokes, pictures, funny stories, anything that makes you laugh.

Nickman · Post by **Nickman** » Fri Apr 05, 2013 8:22 am

Danmark wrote:
Nickman wrote: This is reminiscent of some of the arguments we see on DCR;

Love it!

Reminds me of an old joke my Dad used to tell.

"Honey! Wake up! You've got to go to school."

"Doan wanna go to school."

"Why don't you want to go to school?"

"Everybody hates me. The kids hate me. The teachers hate me. Why do I have to go?"

"Because you're the principal."

OK. Don't know how funny that is, but he used to tell it to groups that included teachers and principals. They were all Christians and it was hard to come up with a good one that was clean.

That is pretty funny. I like it. Im gonna use it.

Danmark · Post by **Danmark** » Fri Apr 05, 2013 8:45 am

Shouldn't encourage me. My dad is part of the reason it took me so long to reject the 'faith.' He was such a cool guy. Great public speaker. He used to crack up church audiences with his wise cracks. He made basketball refs laugh or get mad, but when they turned around they'd see a guy in a wheel chair. Anyway here's another church joke of his:

Pastor's wife asks the pastor what he's going to preach on this Sunday. He had just taken up sailing and told her he was going to use sailing as a metaphor for life. She thinks that's a good idea.

That Sunday morning she is too ill to go to church to hear his Sermon. When he gets up to preach, it suddenly comes to him, to toss his prepared remarks because he realizes too many in his congregation are having trouble with issues of lust and infidelity. So he gives a heartfelt extemporaneous message on sex.

After the service, one of the wife's friends drops by before the pastor gets home. She tells the wife how much she enjoyed her husbands sermon.

Wife: "That's great. But I'm surprised. He's only done it twice. The first time he fell off and the second time he lost his hat."

playhavock · Post by **playhavock** » Fri Apr 05, 2013 11:09 am

emaling that to my mom

AdHoc · Post by **AdHoc** » Sat Apr 06, 2013 1:55 am

Can we post bad jokes here without fear of reprisals?

I will interpret that silence as a yes... Did you hear the one about the streaker who ran naked through the church on sunday? Apparently they caught him by the organ.

Danmark · Post by **Danmark** » Sat Apr 06, 2013 2:20 am

[Replying to post 301 by AdHoc]

Is a deep groan a 'reprisal?'

It's actually a challenge to be funny without going over the edge into ... what? The old term was 'off color.'

I told one once when I was introducing the next speaker at a continuing legal education seminar. She was speaking on jury selection, and that was my excuse to tell . . . .

IT was definitely a bit over the edge, but it got a good laugh. Couldn't have told it in church, but to a bunch of lawyers used to visiting clients in jails, it worked.

I better send it in a PM if anyone's interested, or you can email me at onyrmarx@gmail.com.

AdHoc · Post by **AdHoc** » Sat Apr 06, 2013 12:20 pm

[Replying to post 302 by Danmark]

Thank you for being gentle with me Danmark, here's another one...

Protestants don't recognize the Pope as their spiritual leader, Jehovah's Witnesses don't recognize Jesus as God.

(insert random denomination here)'s don't recoognize each other at the bar.

AND

Matt Damon, a hippie and the Dali Lama are flying in a small single engine aircraft. There are only three parachutes on board (this will become important later on). Suddenly the engine sputters and explodes into flames. The plane is going to crash.

Without a word the pilot grabs a parachute and jumps out of the airplane. The three passengers look at the remaining two packs and then at each other. Mat Damon leaps into action.

As he's strapping on his pack he explains, "I have to live, I mean... I'm Matt Damon." The hippie and the Dali Lama just sort of stare at him as he continues "I'm a famous hollywood actor." and then he jumps out.

The Dali Lama turns to the hippie "you take the last one my son"

"s'ok Dali" as he pulls out the parachute that was under his seat, "Hollywood just jumped out with my backpack"

assisigirl · Post by **assisigirl** » Sat Apr 06, 2013 6:31 pm

An atheist and a Jehovah Witness got married and went to live in the local housing estate. The council had to relocate them as their kids kept knocking the neighbours front doors for no apparent reason.

AdHoc · Post by **AdHoc** » Sat Apr 06, 2013 8:59 pm

[Replying to post 304 by assisigirl]

Ahh... Nicky nicky nine doors.

For some extra spice bring a paper bag with some dog scat in it. Place the bag in front of the door and set it on fire. Ring the door bell and run like the dickens.

For best results use fresh doggie doo.

This works great as a "welcome to the neighbourhood" gag. Nothing says "we're friendly and have a marauding good sense of humour" like setting a bag of dog poo on fire.

Your new neighbours will never forget this.

Danmark · Post by **Danmark** » Sat Apr 06, 2013 9:41 pm

AdHoc wrote: [Replying to post 302 by Danmark]

Thank you for being gentle with me Danmark, here's another one...

Protestants don't recognize the Pope as their spiritual leader, Jehovah's Witnesses don't recognize Jesus as God.

(insert random denomination here)'s don't recoognize each other at the bar.

AND

Matt Damon, a hippie and the Dali Lama are flying in a small single engine aircraft. There are only three parachutes on board (this will become important later on). Suddenly the engine sputters and explodes into flames. The plane is going to crash.

Without a word the pilot grabs a parachute and jumps out of the airplane. The three passengers look at the remaining two packs and then at each other. Mat Damon leaps into action.

As he's strapping on his pack he explains, "I have to live, I mean... I'm Matt Damon." The hippie and the Dali Lama just sort of stare at him as he continues "I'm a famous hollywood actor." and then he jumps out.

The Dali Lama turns to the hippie "you take the last one my son"

"s'ok Dali" as he pulls out the parachute that was under his seat, "Hollywood just jumped out with my backpack"

The way I heard it, it was a priest, a hippy, and Mitt Romney; and Romney jumps out claiming 'I'm the smartest man in the universe and running for President.'

Politics aside, the punch line works better when the hippy says,

"Not necessary, Father. The 'smartest man in the universe' just jumped out of an airplane wearing my backpack."

Originally it was Jimmy Carter, but it worked even better with Romney after that dopey airplane comment he made.

Danmark · Post by **Danmark** » Sat Apr 06, 2013 9:47 pm

Just in case anyone's forgotten, here's what Mittens said:

"When you have a fire in an aircraft, there's no place to go, exactly, there's no -- and you can't find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don't open. I don't know why they don't do that. It's a real problem." --Mitt Romney, speaking at a Beverly Hills fundraiser, Sept. 22, 2012

and some of the jokes made about him because of it:

www.telegraph.co.uk â€º News â€º World News â€º Mitt Romney